I always wonder what Jesus' heart was saying on Thursday morning so long ago. It's almost Friday. It's almost time. This week has no doubt been stressful for the precious Son of God. He knows that He will soon face death. He knows that he will be separated from the Father. He knows. Did he get up and bathe and put on clean clothes trying to have a normal day? Did he wake with tears in his eyes uncertainty fogging his vision? Did he sleep at all last night? I want to know. I want to have been there. Maybe it's just because it's my job to help people at their lowest moments, but I wish I could have just sat there with him and heard what was circling his heart this day.
He must have dreaded the unthinkable. He must have come to terms wtih the inevitable. He must have been a little excited that soon he would be reunited with the Father. He must have had questions....how? when? will it take long? how painful will it be? I wonder if he wanted to go ask Lazurus how it felt to be . . . . .dead. I wonder what he said to his father this morning.
I imagine it is much like a death row inmate. The pardons have expired (Jesus had asked if there is any way let this cup pass by me). Clearly there was no other way. The priest has made the final visit. There is a sense of resolve. (Not my will, but yours Father). The tools are prepared. (the cross, the crown, the sword). The media is present. (a huge crowd). And the inmate must feel all alone at the final moment-about to enter the total unknown. (Father, why have you forsaken me?).
But that is all tomorrow. How does he get through today? How do you live with the questions knowing you are the answer? The burden of such responsibility. Joseph is deceased by now, but I wonder if he longed for the strong arms of his earthly father. I wonder if he could bear to spend time with his mother Mary today. I wonder if it broke his heart to see her knowing they would soon be separated. I wonder-did he just want to be left alone?
He had invested his life in the disciples and tonight he would say goodbye. His closest friends in all the earth. Imperfect as they were-he loved them. He had seen them go from fisherman to evangelist, from baby christian to empowered by faith. I wonder if he wished he had more time. I wonder if he was concerned that they would be okay without him. I wonder if his heart hurt to leave them.
I wonder if today his steps were slower, filled with meaning and purpose. I wonder if several times today he found a quiet place to commune with His Father empowered by the faith Abba had in him. I wonder if the disciples came and asked him some earthly question that maybe just a little bit irritated him. "With all that's going on today do we have to go over that again?" Or did he love their questions and soaked up the last bit of time they had together. He must have known even that day that one day many of them would be murdered as well for the faith they had in Him.
A woman is buying fruit at the market. Neighbors are talking. The donkeys are tied to the post while the owners meet in the square. A carpenter fixes a broken bench. I wonder if the sound of the nail hitting the wood caused Jesus to cringe as he walked by today. I wonder if he felt more alone than he ever thought possible. And I wonder if deep in his spirit he heard His Father whisper softly to him. . . . . .
"I love you my Son"
"I'm so proud of you"
"Thank you for keeping your promises."
"I am here."
"I'll see you soon Beloved."