Not many of you know the emotional struggles of the past few years for me and it is certainly not my intention to turn this blog into a depression (not so) annonymous blog! But I just wanted to say that only if you've ever truly struggled with depression can you know when it has lifted. I have hesitated to write this entry all day because I am so aware that the enemy is everywhere and unfortunately I think he speaks english! But I don't want the sun to go down on this day without God getting the glory.
On this day in my life for the first time in a LONG time I feel like I can say I am not depressed - at all. Can I just tell you that I cannot remember the last time I felt "good" like really good? Sure there have been some good days, but they seriously have been partly cloudy at best. It has been at least several years since I've felt this good that I honestly did not recognize it when it hit me this afternoon. I'm probably making no sense at all.
I don't know why God lets us be afflicted with things and I certainly am not so naive to think that I could not wake up tomorrow in a mess of tears, but God is teaching me how to live in the moment. And this moment - I cannot tell you how unbelievably happy I am to be happy. NOTHING has changed in my life, NOTHING terribly exciting has happened in the last little bit - but still, I feel good. For the first time in a long time I feel hopeful, content, and somewhat balanced. To put it plainly - my prayers have been answered.
And I would not have guessed it, but can I just say that if tomorrow I wake up more depressed than ever, I will still be so thankful for today. I am so grateful for this reprieve I do not have words. I feel like for the 1st time in 2 years - I can breathe effortlessly. I feel free - like the hours spent on my knees have been cashed in for total peace. Worth everything.
And the human side of me is so tempted to brush this day off by saying, "Well, I slept more, I'm healthier, it's the no sugar no flour life, it's been a good day - but NO, I'm not believing any of that because that has all happened before. I'm saying that this day, this moment, at this time is a precious treasure of a gift flowing down from the throne of GRACE to this feeble attempt at humanity. A GIFT and I recognize it as such.
Dear Lord Jesus, today I am humbled by your graciousness to me-just one little life who doesn't often get it right, but who so wants to be like you. I don't know why the tide has turned today, but I thank you for hearing my prayers in the past years and for the tools you have brought along the way. I want you to know that if depression never returns I will praise you. But I also want you to know on the record that if it returns tomorrow and never leaves again - I also will praise you. We have made it through some long dark nights of the soul - together. I trust you in the sunshine and I love you in the storm. Amen
Since I believe life should be set to music I will say that I have believed in these lyrics for a long time and today I feel like I'm living after the rain.
After the Rain
I cover my heart
Turn from the wind
Button my coat
Here comes the storm again
What can I do but to trust in Him
Cause I know the deeper my faith runs
The stronger I become
And the thunder, it may shake me
But I always know that
After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you've made it through
And you'll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain
The weight of the world sometimes
But don't let the wind sweep your heart away
'Cause even the roughest waters cleanse
So when they come again
Let them serve as a reminder
You can always know that
Thanks for listening :)