Thursday, September 22, 2011

And What if They Don't


I think dreaming is risky and settling in is boring. It's a problem. I can't hope for too much without being afraid none of it will come true. And being without a challenge bores me to tears. I would sum up my life so far as constant frustration mixed with just enough bright rays of clarity and balance to survive.

Last year one of the few people who speak absolute truth into my life asked me a simple question. "If you could do anything with the days you are given what would it be?"

Fear gripped my soul. Say it out loud? Isn't that like announcing your wish post blowing out the candles?

And, as it happened, I couldn't tell her that day without a full blown panic attack. But, a few months later, I did. I can't tell you how freeing it was to put words to my dreams. Scary? Yes. Immediately I found the most terrifying part to be the possibility they wouldn't come true. Then what? Someone else would know! I wouldn't go to my grave thinking, "So glad I never said that!"

After, I said, (Because I'm SO spiritual), "And I swear if God doesn't have similar plans I'm going to throw a ROYAL FIT!" I wish I was kidding.

I was thinking about dreams yesterday. The ones that come true. The ones that don't. The ones that leave too quickly. And the ones we're so thankful never came to be. It's a scary ledge to dream big dreams.

I remember building my house several years ago and refusing to get involved in the process. I went there when I had to, checking on electrical outlet locations and other things. I picked out door handles and cabinets. I went through the motions without a lot of heart. Somewhere I feared that it would never be mine. Self preservation prevents hurt in my mind.

The day they handed me the keys, I sat in the middle of the living floor and wept. My dream of building and owning a home did come true, but I had missed the experience. I didn't marvel at the construction or count down the days. I was present for the process, but only to the point I wouldn't be disappointed.

Last night I prayed, "God. What if my dreams do come true?"
-Then you'll be ready.

"And. And. And what if they......don't?"
-Then you'll remember the joy is finding Me in the journey.

Not all who wander are lost.
J. R. R. Tolkien

9 comments:

Meredith Gould said...

Gorgeous.

Brenda said...

Thanks, Meredith. xo

TeaMouse said...

I can totally relate to this, I was just talking to my spiritual director about it. I tend to build things up in my head but I never seem to enjoy them the way Inshould! This really touched me! Thanks for sharing!

Brenda said...

Thanks, Melissa. Life's a journey for sure. Glad to be on it with you.

mharvi said...

I love this post...thank you for putting it out there.

Sari said...

I have not even had the courage to think about what my dreams may be anymore...
Your post gave me the little push I need - time to muster up some courage and admit to having some..

Thank you Brenda.

John Reasons said...

Oh come on! You give us this but don't tell us what the dream is? Tease!

No need to publish. Just my thoughts for you.

Brenda said...

My dream was, of course, to be friends with you John. What else could it be?

Cura Animarum said...

I live my life believing that I'm the guy who just doesn't get his dreams. I'm a paradoxical mix of ridiculous optimism and secret despair. Kind of like a manically laughing Eeyore.