I have to say that honestly I'm drawn to the darker side of life. I can rejoice with those who rejoice, but it doesn't really come naturally to me. I'm much better at mourning with those who mourn. It's not really a bad thing. There's a whole lotta people in the world who get very uncomfortable around those people who are struggling. I'm just not one of them. I prefer the middle of the night to the middle of the day. I don't mind getting up early, but I'd much rather stay up late at night. I'm not - at all - afraid of the dark. I have at times though been afraid of the light.
I started 2008 with an entry in my journal about suicide. Not that I was planning to commit suicide (I don't know if you go to hell if you do, but I'm not trying to find out), but just that for the first time I could honestly gut level relate to why people do. I don't really mean that to sound morbid, but I was just at the end of everything. I was tired - really tired - of being depressed. Actually I was tired of everything. And that's the problem with suicide - it makes people think things will always be like they are right this moment. The truth is, we don't know what's around the bend. But He does.
I started to send out a Christmas newsletter, but soon realized nothing terribly exciting has happened in my life this year. I think it's occasionally interesting, but not enough so that other people would want to read about it during the busiest time of the year. Plus, this blog serves as way too much information for most of the people in my life anyway.
I don't know exactly how to put into words what the Lord has done in the past few months, but even more so the last few weeks. He has delivered me from the bondage of depression, out of the pit of despair, out of the depths of sorrow and into his glorious light. On January 1st, 2008 I never could have seen it coming. I'm still not really sure how it happened, but I'm so glad it did. The only way I can even come close to explaining it is to say that I feel like one of the wise men, traveling through the desert - tired, hungry, thirsty, and miserable and when I thought I could not take another step or another breath, looking up to see the star, the light, what I had been searching for all along guiding me to a gift of peace and hope and joy unspeakable.
I have heard and continue to hear the voice of the Lord in the depths of my soul saying, "Let there be light" to all kinds of situations in my life. Jesus came over 2000 years ago to bring light and even with the world spinning seemingly out of control, he's still bringing that light to every heart that beats for him. I'm so glad he came. I'm so glad his gifts keep giving. I'm so glad he cares enough to bring his light to this little life trying to live for him.
I wish I could send every single one of you a handwritten Christmas card that would tell you how wonderful I think you are and how much I hope you have a wonderful year, but unfortunately I do not have time for that many cards! I hope you know how much I appreciate all of you in my life this year and how I wish the very best Christmas for all of you. Praying God would meet you at every turn and be faithful to you each step of the way. I hope you hear him speaking to every situation you face saying. . .. . . . . .
Let there be light!