It started innocently enough about a month ago. It was a simple prayer escaping out of a desperate heart. "God. I need you to stop being a part of this life. I need you to BE this life. I'll do anything." Again, I'm not one to see messages in the sky, but I do believe God speaks to us. Maybe/maybe not audibly. To me hearing God is much more what many describe as a "knowing." Maybe the way God reveals himself to you is none of my business and vice versa (unless you want to share and of course I LOVE that!). And maybe some parts of our relationship with the Lord are private. I'll forever believe that God relates to us all individually-He knows what we need and He knows how to meet us there perfectly with Himself.
Anyway. I knew God was saying to me, "Stop crowding me out."
Immediately I heard myself say, "I'm not." Really??? I'm going to argue. Humanity. Ugh.
But, He was right (duh). I was crowding him out sometimes unintentionally and sometimes 100% on purpose. It hurts my heart to say that, but it's true. Sometimes I stay busy so I don't have to be alone and sometimes I stay busy to avoid hearing what I know to be true. But the balance of this life needed an adjustment.
I started reading a book about the benefits of silence, obedience, and community (book review coming tonight). I started thinking maybe more than being afraid of the answer, true fear is in not asking.
Maybe peace begins when we find enough courage to ask the questions.
Maybe healing begins in a place when we can ask the questions with complete peace that most importantly is our relationship with The Answer.
Maybe we need to wait. To be still long enough to find out what the mission is, where the path is leading, what our hearts are missing and where we fall incredibly short.
Maybe we need to ask, we need to tell Him what's in the deepest recesses of our hearts and then if all we ever hear in return is His heart beating for us-know that is enough.
Everywhere I turned the number 40 popped up. I was thinking more along the lines of 40 minutes of silence spread out over a week or two. I was thinking more like 40 hours of a weekend spent with the Lord on a retreat next year.
But over and over and over and over it has come back in the last month-40 days.
So, it starts today. I'm focusing in on 7 key areas of my life, my relationships, some hurts, and some fears. I'm focusing on temple care and the renewing of this mind. I'll be blogging more specifically about each of these areas this week. Obviously I can't just stop my life for 40 days but I've eliminated everything I possibly can to make enough room for the Lord to have time.
He deserves time.
And who knows. By December 4th.........well, we'll just have to wait and see.