Thursday, November 18, 2010

40 day update-falling apart for good

Let's be real-this life isn't held together with cement. AT BEST it's held together with some old sometimes not so sticky duct tape just waiting for the chance to break free. I started this 40 day journey to make Jesus a priority in this life. If I would have known it would mean removing so much of the duct tape to let Him in I might have reconsidered. Honestly.
Here's a few things I've realized (so far).
I don't think I'm outside of the will of God necessarily. This is a huge relief to a soul that constantly tries to figure things out. I've re-established faith in a God perfectly able to get me from point A to point B safely. The journey Home is a long one and by midnight tonight I don't have to have all the answers. (Now living this out should be a challenge in itself!). I'm convinced there's peace in the trusting and it's worth pursuing.
I will forever support the idea of church and suggest to people that they attend, go every time the door is open and get involved. But in my opinion, church is hard on your own and I'm pretty much at a place where I don't want to do many more things by myself. I've made the right decisions with church in recent months because it isn't healthy to have relationships that cross all boundaries of your life. Jesus or not, it isn't healthy. It still kinda breaks my heart that everything so quickly fell apart (most of it-my own fault) but time does heal and the further away I get the better it is. So, I'm seriously praying about where to be (if anywhere) and the possibility that a spiritual community becomes less about a building and more about support when you need it.
And there are other things I'll blog about later, but those have been the 2 weighing heavily on this heart in the past few months. I feel my soul scrambling for the duct tape to patch over the exposure, but knowing there is truth in the light I'm leaving things open. If it means falling completely apart for His sake-then that's what I'm prepared to do.
All I know for sure at the moment is I'm a complete mess WITH Jesus-I have no idea how people take a single breath or step without Him. Unbelievable.
Still up on the 40 days posts-the practice of meditation, the power of community, private yoga lessons, reflections from the iPod, guidelines for your own retreat, and where to go from here. Stay tuned.

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