Sunday, September 27, 2009


I will never be able to do a single post about Fearless by Max Lucado. I have so much to say and YOU have had so much to say that I am dedicating this week to the topic of fear because I need it and apparently you do too.

I did not know several months ago when I chose Fearless as our book of the month that it would speak to this temporary season of my life so perfectly. I did not know that in this month of reading this book I would take every single scripture he presented and wrap it tightly around my heart like a security blanket. I didn't know. But God did.

I am not by nature fearful. I worry about dumb stuff to the point of exhaustion, but I'm not afraid really. I am unafraid at times to the point of being stupid. I've lived alone for almost 6 years and have forgotten on more than one occasion to lock the front door-for a long time. I sit outside sometimes with the dogs at 2 in the morning because I love the peacefulness of 2 in the morning. Up until a few months ago I would probably have told you I was independent to a fault. I thought really I could do it all by myself including rejecting the need for a fierce dependence on the Lord. I could not disagree more with myself at this moment in time.

I'm not just naturally super quiet or peaceful on the inside, but occasionally life has gotten to where Jesus feels just as close as the next breath. I have found in my own life that when we need Him, when we really really more than we know need Him-He is there. This has been one of those weeks.

I'm so tired of talking about my throat so I'm not going to do another post about it right now, but I will say it is not fixed and it may not be fixed for awhile. The results are all back and I have an appointment Monday morning to see where to go from here. I am prepared that finding the right balance of medications and procedures to fix what the problem is may take awhile, but can I just say - I'm a little weary. Feeling like something is stuck in my throat for over 2 weeks now is making me crazy. Having my throat close up to the point of being unable to breathe and feeling like it could happen again at any moment is making me afraid. And taking huge amounts of medication when I can't eat is making me feel sick-all the time. And I'm tired of it.

And the past few days I've been really tired of it. I don't have the mental energy to defend all my opinions at the moment, but you know that I believe in perspective, I know it could be so much worse, and I'm grateful for all the Lord has blessed me with BUT, it's my blog, this is how I feel at the moment, and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. I'm praying for people right now that I wouldn't trade places with for a bazillion dollars. I'm begging at the feet of Jesus for relief for people who are struggling with the unthinkable. And I'm thankful for a God who while dealing with all of those people and millions more still cares that I'm afraid. He is still interested in this little life that is frustrated at the moment. And he still loves this heart that desperately wants to be brave but has been more quivering than strong lately.

Satan is on a desperate quest to make us think we, as well as are requests are unworthy. Even as Jesus tells us to come, Satan tells us to come with something worth taking up the time of the King of Kings. Even as Jesus says to bring our burdens to him, Satan says comparatively we don't really have a burden so we might as well carry it ourselves-after all, we can do our part. Even as Jesus says Peace I leave you, Satan is whispering in the other ear about all we have to be worried about and that peace is somehow equivalent to laziness and inefficiency. RIDICULOUS. And it's these things, when we believe them, that are the very things making up my biggest fear-being rendered useless in service for the Lord.

I believe in the body of Christ. I believe that at our very best as Christians we still need each other. I believe Satan is at his core a liar and to listen to him in any way makes it difficult to walk in truth. I have sat at Jesus' feet this week. I have prayed until I don't know what else to say. And I've talked myself around in circles alternating at rapid speed between intense faith and total devastation. Humanity!

And tonight I just needed someone else to pray. I needed someone else to carry the burden of faith for me for just a few minutes. Maybe you're better at being spiritually needy than yours truly, but I just didn't care yesterday. Why we even hesitate to ask people to pray with us I'll never know. I can't think of a single time someone has asked me to pray with them that I found it strange, a burden, an inconvenience or anything but a total honor. Spending a few moments in prayer tonight with fellow believers made a remarkable difference. It was a relief to feel like I'm not the only one carrying something I don't entirely know what to do with. I already believed every word they said, but hearing it coming from somewhere other than my own confusion made it sink in so much deeper.

And I cannot thank the Lord enough for the spiritual exchange that took place tonight. Fear has been replaced once again by faith. Suffocating frustration has been replaced by the ability to breathe easier spiritually once again. I'm praying I never, ever take it for granted that as His children, a moment in his presence quite literally changes everything. The entire balance of good vs. evil and Jesus vs. Satan and fear vs. faith is upset with a single believing prayer. It should not be taken lightly.

I don't know what's making you afraid today. There's enough on the front page of the paper to keep us awake at night for weeks at a time totally paralyzed by fear. I'm reminding myself as well today that God has conquered fear. If we'll just ask - his sweet spirit of peace will blow through the very cells of our being restoring our faith, renewing our trust in Him, and bringing us again to a place of confidence in Him.

"I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." -John 14:27 NLT

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