More than anything else in my life I hate the feeling of instability. Even though stability at times can be a false sense of assurance, I still prefer it to feeling totally like I'm dangling over the edge of a cliff!!
I feel like I've made great strides in my relationship with the Lord lately. To say we're back on track is the understatement of the century-and it's good to be back! But I think somewhere in the back of my mind I'm afraid I'll fall back into a pattern without Him. We so have to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. We are feeble. I'm thankful that in our weakness He can be strong and it's dangerous to assume that we can move one inch for one moment without Him.
I'm prone to being overly stressed REALLY easily if you haven't picked up on that by now! I like to flip totally out about things I can't do anything about in between great bouts of faith of course! My go to emotions are - fear, anxiety and stress. Which is why I totally try to surround myself with people whose go to emotions are peace, joy, and a sense of calm! I so love the people in my life who will take me by the hand and say, "Brenda. Really?" They have a big job and I hope they are well rewarded in Heaven!!
I can usually recognize when a wave of crazy is about to crash on my head and this week it hit in full force. There are uncertainties I cannot control and always will be. There are decisions I do not know how to make at the moment and there always will be. Last night I wanted to run home and watch Hope Floats, Steel Magnolias and Beaches back to back!! I know mentally when I'm about to collapse into a spiritual heap on a not so spiritual floor that it's time to run to the Savior.
My go to people are out of town this week and I think God knew that. Those who I ask to pray for me and with me and who usually run to my beckon call are nowhere to be found - some are out of the country! (good one God!). I'm a people person-can't get enough of them! I have moments where I want to be alone but normally I just want people to be with me in a hard time. I love my friends that will sit with you when you're sick, cry with you when you cry, and laugh their heads off with you when it's over! I try to remember that when I'm with people in hard situations-sometimes the best thing you can do is take their hand and say, "You're not alone. I'm here. I care." And then stop talking! And this week they are all gone-humph! To me that feeling of being all alone is scary at first. I can't EVER process it in the onset. But today I'm thankful for fresh perspective - and in all my humanity-that my friends are coming home soon! :)
God means for us to be in relationship particularly with other believers. I think God knows that we need each other and intends for us to support each other. BUT, ultimately we have to remember that He is our primary support. He so desires to be our go-to first. He longs to hold us when we're hurting and listen to our cries. He has the answers to our questions. He knows yesterday from today. But, sometimes, do you ever want to say to Him, "I know you're "here" BUT I WANT YOU HERE! Physically sometimes I want him to be here, actually here.
Sigh. Therein is what faith is all about. Putting very real circumstances into the hands of an unseen God. To find Him with our souls and not our hands. To trust Him with our hearts and not our eyes. I understand that, but I still long for the day when our faith will be made actual sight. When we can really be with him-forever.
New mercies every day