Be careful what you ask for

I'm recovering from an ulcer in my eye this week which has been less than enjoyable. I wrote this earlier this week for something else and I'm going to use it for today's post.

Up all night with searing eye pain. Hurt to open it hurt to close it. Didn't want to cry (salt water in there? No). Long long exhausting scary night. Went to Dr. this morning expecting a scratched cornea. Diagnosed with an ulcer in my eye. They panicked and I joined them. Pretty serious. Very scary. The pain mixed with fear was not good. Couldn't go to work. Decided to worry about all I had to do there while I was at it. Made it home with strict instructions to keep it closed, rest, no light and round the clock meds every 2 hours.

When I stopped panicking long enough to hear I heard God say, "this is what you're asking of me. Concentrated, set apart, quiet time with me. Go with it.".

Do I think God gave me an ulcer in my eye? No. Do I think God can use this for my spiritual benefit? For sure. It's been a mixed day. Moments of sweet peace and rest in His presence. Having to just be. Can't read, can't do-just being with Him. Sweet sweet moments.

And, the opposite. Eye medicine that hurts way more than the eye itself. Literal fear when the alarm goes off every 2 hours. Misery.

But-what God has spoken to me above everything else in these days is "there is pain in the light". The Dr. pointed her light into my eye and lightning went through my whole body. She apologized but said, "it's the only way."

The same is true for this journey this year to find His heart. I'd love to post on here every day about how easy life is and how wonderful that He's in control while I trust Him perfectly. But, it's not always that simple and that's rarely the truth. Life is hard. Learning to trust Him is hard. Coming face to face with the parts of me that look/act nothing like Him is devastating. Bringing those things to the light is crucial. Yes-pain in the light mixed with the eventual promise of glorious freedom.

I can hear the Spirit who wants spiritual wholeness for me more than I do saying, "it's the only way".

Thankful for
1. An impromptu day of "rest". For moments of peace. For remembering sooner than I have before that faith trumps fear every time.

2. For people who are willing to take my responsibilities when I cannot from work to prayer tonight-remembering it's okay to ask for help.

3. For not feeling stuck spiritually anymore. This journey has eliminated that from my thinking. It's a great burden to lose.