Tonight I opened up my journal from last year and realized I've come full circle and not in a good way. Started off a little far from the Lord; found a church and a bunch of people that I really loved; fell madly back in love with the Lord and lately feel kind of back outside of the spiritual circle.
It's nobody's fault-except maybe mine.
You've heard don't put all your eggs in one basket? Yep, I did just that. Suffice it to say when it was good, it was really good and when it fell apart I felt like the floor caved in. Obviously not, but I felt like EVERYTHING went with it. I had made it into more than it was which is so easy to do. It just felt, well, perfect.
It's just not healthy to have your whole spiritual (or otherwise) identity wrapped up in one group of people. The hard part is I really love those people! Putting all of the eggs in the basket was a risk, but it was so wonderful. Having to pull them back out is lonely and painful. But it's the right thing to do.
The Lord doesn't want my spiritual identity to be in them. He doesn't want my story to be their story. He doesn't want my life to be so enmeshed with theirs that you can't tell where they end and I begin. He wants ME. Flaws and all. And even though I don't act like I even kind of believe it-He is more than enough for me. I love to be surrounded with great Godly people, but I don't have to be. He can fill any void most completely with Himself.
So, we start back at square one which believe me is discouraging enough to have cried off 2 rounds of waterproof mascara today. I felt like I'd come so far spiritually just to be back at the beginning. I feel like I'm starting over trying to find a spiritual home and a group of people to call my own. It's so hard to find!
The details aren't important, but the lesson is. Never put all your eggs in a human basket, but daily, sometimes moment by moment put everything you've got and all you hope to be in the Lord's basket. And then let Him carry you.
Lord, our home is with You. Remind me that you are my everything and with you I am complete. Amen