Wednesday, August 12, 2009

selfishness vs. self care

I so struggle with balance in my life. I truly am an all or nothing person. I either want to be crazy busy or sitting in a chair with a book. I want to have a million things to do or nothing to do. I either have my house in total disarray or perfectly spotless. I have strong feelings one way or the other on most things. I either feel suction cupped to the heart of the Lord or wondering where he went. AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!! Oh my goodness. To live a balanced life. I hope you believe me when I tell you I so try and strive and pray for and aim for this allllllllllll the time. Rarely does it happen, but my heart wants to be balanced.

I don't particularly believe in blaming things on personality, but it does become a factor. I don't really think of myself as especially funny, but the people in my life want me all the time to go on the road as a stand up comedian! Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled they think my stories are entertaining and my mishaps are humerous-I don't really see it. BUT, just for the sake of argument say I am somewhat funny. Anyone who is creative with a sense of humor has the capability of going exactly that far in the opposite direction-which is why I also have a huge tendency towards depression. I'm super aware of that and take steps all the time to avoid a major meltdown!

It sounds bipolar to be so back and forth-I'm not bipolar! Dramatic maybe, but thankfully not bipolar. I just find LOTS of color in life. I try to live every day to the fullest, make a difference where I can and trust God to fill in the gaps that I can't figure out. I live wide open almost all the time and I wouldn't have it any other way.

But sometimes I just feel so selfish.

I love to interact with people, but I have to ask myself sometimes if I am interacting with them only for the sake of them interacting with me. Do I love people for who they are or for what they can do for me? Do I really look for their heart in conversations or am I just waiting to see what I can add to it? And is it wrong to long for that interaction with others? No, I don't think so- but again-balance. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm so over one sided relationships.

I love to pray with people and for people but in the last week I have wanted to literally collapse at the feet of some people in my life and say, "If you don't pray for me right this minute I'll never make it!" I don't exactly find it wrong to be particularly needy sometimes and I'm not apologizing for being absolutely, 100% spiritually depleted recently. So there :)

I'm so glad I decided to break my last half of vacation for the year up into 3 short mini vacations. I did not know at the time how much I would need a break not really from work, but just from life. I need to unplug for a few uninterrupted hours. So, I'm taking the next 2 days off. I'm looking forward to it.

Tomorrow I'm doing what I have to do-take Odyssey to the vet to get his shots, take Ella to petsmart to play while he's gone, errands, gym, etc. But Friday? Oh don't look for me Friday. I'm sleeping in (yes!) and then going to the spa for a 90 minute hot stone deep tissue massage. That's right-OUT OF COMMISSION! Then I'm going to go home and read a book and nap the rest of the day. NICE!

My brain is tired. My heart is tired. My body is tired. Thanks for praying that God would meet me in these days in new and different ways that are energizing and renewing.


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