Sunday, July 11, 2010

Faithful to me

Lately I feel like I'm not making spiritual progress as quickly as I would like to. I feel like I need greater trust in the Lord and the process of getting this life from here to Heaven. I don't feel like I have enough security in his promises or faith in his ways. At least 90% of the time I feel like if I'm Christ's representative to the Earth-the earth is in BIG trouble.

But today I'm remembering exactly a year ago. A year ago I was sitting on a friend's couch telling her I did not have any idea where the Lord went. I couldn't find Him in this life. I wanted desperately to feel sure of my salvation but I didn't. I felt disconnected from the body of Christ and was finding that being a spiritual island was dangerous and depressing. I then met with the pastor of her church and had a similar conversation. He encouraged me to take my doubts and fears to the Lord and ask Him how to plug in better even if it wasn't the typical church times. I remember sitting there thinking, "Okay, God. I'll give you a year."

And what a year it has been.

If sitting there that day, on that couch you would have told me, "Don't worry. In the course of the next year you will do 2 Beth Moore Bible studies, be involved frequently in church on Sunday mornings, have your work schedule changed so you can go to church on Wednesday nights, be involved in a Tuesday morning Bible study, find lots of spiritual answers in lots of different ways and disciple 3 young women desperate for a relationship with the Lord" I would have called you crazy. If you had said, "365 days from today you'll be so in love with the Lord you won't remember what you ever did without Him," I would have told you that sounded wonderful but I kinda doubted it.

But you know what? You'd have been right :)

I stand amazed today at the ways he is changing me from the inside out. How the frustration of not being where I want to be with Him is still better than not being able to find Him at all! How the continuous tug on my soul to be like Him, to get to know Him and to surround myself with the things of Him-is in itself a gift unwrapped and available to me every single day.

I'm thankful for all the times in the past year I've opened up my Bible and found His promises to be true. I'm thankful for the times I have fallen at His feet and let Him change me. Even though I get it wrong almost all of the time, I'm thankful for the days that my head has hit the pillow knowing that day was a spiritual victory. I'm especially thankful that I don't have to have it all together for Him to use this life and He is using it in ways big and small all the time.

I'm so thankful for the prayers He has answered in the last 365 days. I'm thankful that a year ago I could barely whisper the prayer, "I just want to know you're there." And today, a year later I can pray every day, "I just want to know you more!"

What an adventure!

Lord, in all the world there is no one like you. You take all we have to offer-ourselves and mold us into divine reflections of who you are. Infinitely patient, forever kind, and always for us-it's the least I can do to give this next year to you too. And the one after that. And the one after that. Forever. Amen.

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