Friday, April 9, 2010

One Latte away from a total meltdown

If one more person tells me I should have seen this onslaught of disaster coming I'm going to smack someone and then immediately apologize and tell them they were right. And I should also say for crying out loud it's nothing major. It could be much worse. I KNOW! But, it's my blog and I feel like whining about it so there ya go :)

First of all, if I listened to Satan, which I try not to, I feel like he would be screaming in some sneering voice - You totally suck at life. I just feel like everything is falling apart around me and when you're all you got-it's pretty much your problem!

I got home last night with an incredible plan to accomplish a lot. I was excited. When my garage door wouldn't go up I realized I was locked out of my house for the 2nd time in 2 days!! Ugh. My non-helpful neighbor said, 'Weren't you JUST locked out of your house last night??" Well yes, yes I was. Several hours later and a trip to 3 stores to find a new battery for my garage door opener I was still not inside my house. Frustrating. Finally found a key in my car that unlocked the deadbolt on the man door in the garage and I broke into the bottom lock. The storm fried my TV and knocked out 6 fuses and the garage door still isn't working right. I knew I was teetering close to the edge of losing it when my dog Ella was whining and I explained to her we couldn't go for a walk because it was raining (?). She didn't get it. Overall though, I totally handled the whole thing relatively well. I was even moderately impressed with myself.

Then today I got in a bunch of conversations I didn't mean to. One about weight. One about exercise. One about work at the hospital. None of any of it mattered. None of the problems with any of it are going to be solved today. None of it, but it pushed me over the edge. I just spent 3 wonderful days identifying so many ways I'd like to change, so many things I need to work on, so many ways that I'm far away from the mark. I left so motivated to make big changes, but now I just feel a bit overwhelmed by the whole process.

Someone said to me this morning about a whole bunch of things in my life, "It's not always going to be this way." THANK YOU! Just what I needed to hear. God is not forever going to leave me seemingly a mess in a whirlwind of confusion. I am on the right path as long as I'm headed home to Him. I am making progress as long as want to more than anything be like Him. And I am clueless how He will get me from Point A to Point B but not being the first human he's taken down a path, I feel certain He knows the way.

So, I'm going to worry about not being able to run fast enough BY JANUARY another time. I'm going to worry about not being the ideal weight another day. I'm going to clean my house Monday night instead of last night when I couldn't because I was soaking wet trying to get into my house. I'm going to file my taxes where I owe an incredible amount of money another day. I'm going to give myself a break because sometimes I'm really handling everything I can hold. I'm going to try to remember that I'm never going to have all the answers for everything. I'm going to trust that a relationship with Christ is developed in the process. I'm going to believe that if I never make it to church again and all I ever have spiritually is Him, I will have everything I need.

And with that I'm off to work the weekend. Several weekends lately have been rough. I'm praying for the opportunity to do my job well without additional chaos and stress. The opportunity to be there for people who are hurting and comfort those in need. To help those in far greater predicaments than I could begin to imagine. To be the hands and feet of Christ to those with no desire to be here another moment. To trust that whether I'm holding the hair of an addict while they're sick with withdrawals or pulling someone off the proverbial ledge, I can find eternal purpose in those moments.

And for enough latte breaks to keep going :) If you're still reading this you get a big fat A+ for sticking with it! And I promise to find something helpful and encouraging to say next week. Talk to you Monday. Have a GREAT weekend friends! :)


Krystal said...

You can rest assured that the devil loves to pick on you when you've just had a great, rejuvenating (did I spell that right?) time with the Lord. You must be doing something right, Bren!


Haley said...

Wow. I totally had that type of day yesterday...after making so many commitments to myself & God, I fell victim to the pressure of all the demands around me & emotionally caved. Last night was a "prayerful pity party" for myself. It happens. God will give the grace to keep on & grow. But, like you said, we need to cling to the Truth & hold tight to that as the anchor.