Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The winds of change

In retrospect, it may have been too much.  Working two full time jobs (for the last 10 years!), taking two grad school classes (one of them Statistics - yuck!), putting out a book, and having some semblance of a life all in the same 10 weeks.  It was heavy.  It was an invitation to blow things out of proportion and not be able to think clearly.  At all. 

And I found myself at the beach one day a few months ago holding this shell and thinking, "This is the heaviest thing I've carried today."  I suppose I meant that literally, but I also meant that emotionally, spiritually, humanly.  It felt so light in my hand, so effortless, so important. 

I believe God will let us go and go and go as long as we are willing or until we can't anymore.  He'll let us stay in the wrong place for the wrong reasons until we finally hear His sweet whisper saying, "Let go."  And it's a scary thing.  What if what changes is uncomfortable?  What if I don't like the changes?  What if??

And yet, the soul seems somewhat immune to fear and if you ignore it long enough, it's voice grows louder and it's call becomes clearer.  God leans in and before you can think to not listen, you hear Him say, "Stop crowding me out."  And you realize in that moment that you want nothing more than to make that space, that time.  And it feels more than right - it feels free.

So, recently I've put down some of the things I've been carrying for a long time.  I'm down to one full time job.  I'm making room for my writing.  I'm finally finishing grad school soon to get my master's in Psychology.  And I'm reconnecting with friends.  I can spend hours at lunch now if I want to or join them for a walk in the evening to talk about what God is up to or discuss plans or struggles.

For the first time in over a decade, I don't always have to know what time it is.  I don't have to be somewhere after somewhere before I have to be somewhere else.  I can just be sometimes.  I can get lost in a book.  I can take a nap.  I can finish my schoolwork without getting up before I go to bed.

And I can get completely lost in a yoga session, prayer time, or spending some time in quiet spiritual thought.  I can find God because I'm not too exhausted to look.  I'm redefining what it looks like to be me.  I can feel the winds of change blowing and I'm not just surviving.  I'm living.  I'm breathing.  I'm free.


Meredith Gould said...

And I'm delighted for you and proud of you. Love you!

Rob said...

It's good to do as much as you have the time energy and desire to do. And it's really good to streamline as you discover what is most important to you.

Plus, what Meredith said.

Penelopepiscopal said...

I'm delighted and proud of you, too. It takes courage to step out like you're doing. :-)