Kneeling on the brink

“Lucy woke out of the deepest sleep you can imagine, 

with the feeling that the voice she liked best in the world had been calling her name.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia

One of the reasons I'm so drawn to monastic life is that I get it.  I understand investing lots of time alone with God produces a depth of spirituality unmatched by any church building.  We don't come to know his voice because others tell us what he sounds like.  We don't experience the joy of his faithfulness until we are unworthy.  And we don't find a deep rooted friendship with the Almighty unless we learn how to be his friend.

I'm so grateful to be surrounded in this life by people who love him well.  People who inspire me to be like him and to trust him more.  I love to discuss (and occasionally debate) God with people.  He comes up in my conversations all the time because there's nothing more important to me than him.  

It's great to have company on the road Home, but it seems when God does big things, important things in this life, he does it alone.  It starts as a gentle tug, then a pull, then he just shuts a bunch of doors until I have no choice.  Well, we always have a choice, but you know, not.  

This isn't my first time to seek God in the tricky seasons.  This isn't the first time I've had to leave unresolved questions at the beautiful feet of The Answer.  And I'll gladly do it again this time because I know the end result is pure beauty that will be covered with his fingerprints.

And I have faith I'll get to that point like the many other times when I've placed this fragile offering of a life into his strong hands.  But, as humanity would have it, there usually is a fight.  Like this morning after going to sleep at 2 a.m. waking up at 3 and begging God to not take the people physically closest to me away.   I'm not sure why I thought that prayer would work.  3 of my closest friends have moved away in the last six months.  But, it was in front of my thoughts today anyway.

I finally fell asleep after wearing myself out thinking, "What if? Yeah, but, Then what? Could this?  What if this?  And if that doesn't work?  And what if this doesn't happen?  And what if I don't know what to do?

I woke up with the gentle peace and knowing that only comes from God.  Peace that passes all understanding....even mine.  And I couldn't help but hear him saying, "I'm enough for you.  My plans are for good.  You are not alone."

...To be continued...