When the Trinity Speaks

On some deeply theological level the Trinity is super complicated.  1+1+1=1.  I get it.  What can I say?  I don't like math.

I like the ruling, overwhelming power of The Father.  I like that He's too big, too holy, too perfect for my finite mind.  I couldn't even stand in his presence without collapsing into a cloud of "you're nothing but dust."  And I need that hefty dose of humility.

The Father would be enough, but He would feel so far away.  So, he sent the Son.  And Jesus offers me access to the trinity, friendship, tangible proof that God was here.  He was ever divine, but also human.  Human....like me! 

And Jesus would be enough.  But, Jesus left.  He fulfilled his mission and went Home.  And we're still....well, here.  So, proceeding from the Father and the Son is the Holy Spirit.  That gentle hurricane that both comforts and convicts.

To me their voices are different when scripture portrays them.  Their tone and intentions are often different and yet the overwhelming purpose is to draw us to the Father.  To make us like them.  And like One.

This Trinity Sunday I'm thankful for the guiding love of the Father, the friendship of the Son, and the peaceful presence of the Spirit. 

Three in one.  And One. 

The Pentecost Presence

 

 

And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit.

 

I learned a long time ago that you might as well tell God how you feel.  Acting spiritual is crazy making and not just for him.  Even though I so know better, I still like to think playing Hide and Seek with the Almighty could result in me winning the blue ribbon.

 

 

It goes something like this.....

Me trapped in a corner.

God saying, "Found you.  Found you.  Found you.  Found you."

 

Tiring.  And not just for him.

 

If I had to pick one piece of the Divine Trinity that's my favorite, it would be the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit.

 

Pentecost must have been awesome, especially for the disciples.  Jesus was there and He upgraded to this mystical, powerful, very present presence that seemed to whisper to everyone there that day, "you are not alone."

 

This season of this life has been intense mostly of my own making.  In the interest of telling God exactly what I think, the other day I prayed a deeply spiritual prayer that will surely be added to the next version of the Book of Common Prayer.

 

"God. Fix it.  Or fix me.  I want comfy pj's, a hammock in the shade, a fabulous book, and a hug.  I need your comfort to calm the questions and your peace to prevail.  The sooner the better.  And that's the Earthly version of soon.  Amen."

 

And I remembered the verses about the Holy Spirit.  How he comes like a dove carefully when we're fragile.  How his honest conviction kicks us in the head reminding us to keep our mouths shut and our hearts open. 

 

And most important to me anyway, how he'll wrap us up like a favorite blanket and surround us with the love of God.  Just because we asked him.

 

This Pentecost and always - He is with us.  And that's a promise.

The Art of Procrastination - Writing Edition

As far as this writer is concerned, I spend most of my writing life ......not writing.  I think about writing.  I even plan whole days where I write intend to write.  I'm an expert, really.  So, if you don't know how to spend a whole day writing - I'll tell you all my secrets.  You're welcome.

Dear Diary, tomorrow I'm gonna write ALL day!  From like 6 a.m. to Midnight!  It's gonna be magical.  Goodnight!

6:00 a.m. Hit snooze button and condemn yourself for having a subscription to Netflix and staying up until 3 watching Hoarders to feel better about your closet.

6:10, 20, 30 .....Snooze

8:16 Have heartfelt conversation with yourself until you're convinced that true creativity needs rest and extra sleep will speed up the creative juices later in the day.  FOR SURE!

10:01 Fall OUT of bed having a dream that your manuscript was buried beneath a large pile of takout containers and bottled water.

10:02 make, drink, coffee - repeat, repeat, repeat.

10:28 decide to get dressed for the day in your writing clothes.  Find this t-shirt only slightly not so clean and put it on. 

10:40 Walk outside.  Even though it's 95 degrees and you never walk, go for a walk.  It's good to exercise.  You heard Dr. Oz say that recently and it definitely should start today.  Immediately.

11:20 Wander home.  Pat yourself on the back for getting started writing by noon.

11:22 Write an e-mail to a friend about how much you love being an author

11:25 Check book sales of your last book

11:27 Open Word document and save it as.....something.

11:30  Starving - you must have lunch.  Cooking from scratch really is healthier and besides, you can watch Homeland on your Kindle while you cook.  Efficient!! 

2:00 Tired from your big morning, take a nap.

3:34 Groggy, make coffee, drink, repeat.

3:40 Sit down at computer.  Make grocery list, dentist appointment, order shoes, and check Amazon for organic green beans while eating cheeze curls.

3:45 Google how to clean cheeze curl powder off keyboard.

4:06 Remember funny joke your friend told yesterday.  Find it on line and laugh all over again.  Share it on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.  While you're there, might as well see what everyone is up to.

7:19 Where does the time go?  Think about that for a little bit and how life is fleeting.

8:00 Hungry again.  Should probably go eat with friends since that's where your material comes from anyway.  Eat good food.  Drink good wine.  Laugh and laugh and.....what time is it?

11:45 come home, get in your comfy pj's and check the computer one more time.  Open word document and write at the very top......

Chapter 1

11:59 Go to bed.

Gone Fishin

"LLLLlllllllaaaaaaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyyyy!!!!"

I looked up from watering my roses to see the dirtiest kid ever running in my direction barefoot and wearing only overalls carrying a fishing pole.

I like kids.  No, really, I do.  Especially clean, funny kids.  At that moment he was neither to me.

"Lady?"  I almost didn't answer, but I'm afraid of being the single crazy cat lady in the neighborhood that makes all the children afraid so.....  

"Hey, what's up?"

"Lady, do you have any worms?"

"Worms?" I asked borderline condescendingly.  

No person child or adult has ever looked at me like he did.  His face twisted into this look like adults were just the saddest people and he flat felt sorry for them.

I jumped back as he said at 10 level loud, "WORMS!  FOR FISHIN!  WORMS!"

It took me a minute to remember he was a minor and beating him up would probably make me a bad person.

"Oh," I said stepping back, "no, sorry, I don't."

Exasperated, he put down his fishing pole and folded his arms across some unknown slime on his too big overalls.  He got uncomfortably close to me before asking for real condescendingly, "do you THINK you could help me FIND some?"

I looked at my manicured fingernails and back at the at this point scary little person and heard myself say, "Um, ok?"

So, we dug around in the dirt with great purpose and found a few worms.  It was, perhaps, the best way I've spent 10 minutes lately.  He picked up his fishing pole, stuck the worms in his front pocket and hopped off down the road stopping only to stomp in a puddle along the way.  

I sat on my front step and smiled.  I prayed for that little boy that he would always have childlike faith and never forget to jump in puddles.  I prayed that whenever he needed help, someone would be there - even if it was just to find a little bait for a fishin trip.

And I prayed he would catch a fish because I like to think the smile on a child's face brings one to God's, too.  

Confirmation - one year later

Bishop
Do you renew your commitment to Jesus Christ?

Candidate
I do, and with God's grace I will follow him as my Savior and Lord.

 

 

Truth be told, I wasn't sure it was going to be that big of a deal.  I had just spent a year of my life in the trenches trying to convince people who weren't listening I was not going to Hell because I walked out the door of one denomination and into the doors of another.  And maybe, just a tiny bit, I was trying to convince myself, too. 

God knows I tried to find out for myself why joining the Episcopal Church was such a terrible idea.  But, it wasn't working.  I read doctrine and history.  I listened as people told me what the church meant to them.  Probably with arms crossed I told the priest during one of my confirmation sessions, "I'm not going to agree with everything in the Episcopal Church." 

She never missed a beat.  "Okay, that's fine."  Quickly apparent to me was this church let you think and have an opinion.  Fascinating! 

I even made a pro/con list, but never got past the first pro - "God led me to Christ Church."  I don't believe you can always trust your feelings, but sometimes you just know.  Run around, read a bunch of stuff, drive yourself crazy if you want to, but when God speaks - listen.

It's my experience that the important decisions are often fraught with opposition.  Test of faith?  Maybe.  An opportunity for God to get all the credit?  Absolutely.  And I'll gladly give it to Him because I still find myself at the altar sometimes thinking, "Wait, what?  How did I end up here?"

Confirmation was a spiritual line in the sand for me; a leap from confusion to confidence.  Oh, I loved the same God before and after.  My faith remained.  But, I was different.  And maybe that's the point of any true spiritual transformation anyway. 

God doesn't need me to defend Him or what he's up to in my life.  He only needs me to follow Him as my Lord and Savior.  And I will continue to.  With God's grace.





Brave Enough

Scripture is often frustrating in an attempt to be helpful.

                Worried?  Don’t be!

                Anxious?  Don’t be!

                Afraid?  Don’t be!

Uh huh.  If my genuine leather copy of Holy Scripture didn’t cost more than 2 pairs of heels, I might be tempted to dramatically throw it in the air and scream, “Easier said than done, God!  Easier said than done.” 

But, courage and bravery have been echoing in my heart lately.  I’m fragile.  I get hurt too easily and break too permanently.  I proclaim that God is enough and then act like He couldn’t possibly be. 

Warning: if you ever have a book published, people will use your own words against you and you will hate it! 

God has helped me lately to dig through some emotional garbage and find the truth.  And the truth is, I have to be braver. 

Brave enough to realize I can and am doing life on my own and that’s okay.  I have to make every decision - career, financial, household, and life.  No one else is going to do it for me.  And brave enough to know I may feel alone sometimes, but God will never leave me.  He promises.

Brave enough to realize I love maybe too much.  Some, (not all!), but some of my relationships are painfully one sided and that’s not fair.  Quality relationships have to be give and take.  And I can be brave enough to know that some of them need to go.

Brave enough to realize I’m okay.  I’m not drop dead beautiful, anywhere near the perfect weight, or emotionally super stable most of the time, but I’ve made it this far when sometimes I never thought I would.  I did the work and I’m way more okay that I could have been.      

So, I’m praying for courage these days.  I’m not praying that I would be a super Christian with all the answers and a perfect relationship with God.  I’m not praying that life would go my way all the time and in every way.  I’m not even praying for miracles or signs or wonders.  I’m praying God would remind me that He loves me and that He would show his love through this cracked and fragile vessel.  I’m praying for an authentic life over a perfect one. 

I’m praying that I would always be His.

That I would be secure in Him.

And that no matter what comes……

I’ll be brave enough.      

Why I keep the Daily Office

The Daily Office is meant to be prayed together in community.  There have been few greater spiritual moments in my life than sitting in the pews with the monks at the abbey listening to the daily office prayed and sung seven times in a 24 hour period.  It feels stable and connected both with God and each other.  There is deep soul work done in the repetition of the words and the heart cry of prayers passed on for hundreds of years to the faithful few who dare to keep it. 

But we don’t have the luxury of constant community, so I often pray it on my own.  Over the years I have changed from exactly the written prayers to several others I’ve found along the way.  I love Celtic prayers and the prayers of the saints.  I rarely keep all the offices on any given day, but very few go by when I don’t keep the watch of Vigils at 3:15 a.m.  It’s been years since I’ve set my alarm for this office, but still around 3 I tend to wake up.  I no longer need a light to pray the prayers so often I soak up the darkness and stillness and find God to be very present to this life.  It's holy ground for me.

Sometimes it’s a 30 second prayer because I’m a firm believer the most spiritual thing we can do for ourselves at times is sleep.  But, more often than not, 3 a.m. finds me praying true soul prayers.  It’s my best writing and journal time.  And it’s the time of day I most feel loved by the Father.  I live as we all do in the tension of the now and the not yet of the spiritual life, and that is what 3 a.m. tends to be for me.  It’s not really night and it’s not really morning.  And God is present without distraction.

People always ask me how to pray the offices.  The short answer?  Do it.  I don’t believe in people telling me what to do so I wouldn’t suggest everyone pray vigils.  Last week I prayed morning prayer at 2 p.m. still in my pajamas.  Hey, it’s morning somewhere!  I have friends who faithfully pray an office at lunch and others when they wake.  Some like to end their day by praying Vespers or Compline.  It doesn’t matter.  Find what works for you and do it consistently.  There is great wisdom in the ancient spiritual fathers and those in monasteries today who create a discipline of prayer.  And if we’re faithful, we’ll soon find when it’s not a part of our days, we miss it.  And that’s how we nurture our spiritual lives.