PEACE LOVE JESUS AND COFFEE

All Grace

2012-01-26T10:29:00.004-05:00

In the busyness of life it's important sometimes to just slow down. To put on my favorite flip flops and kick them off when I find the perfect spot. To chat with a friend about how faithful God is in the big things and the small things and everything in between while running fingers through the sand. To remember God's faithfulness and his power to bind hearts together for the sake of sanity in this life and forever friendship in the next.Taking time to lay on the beach getting much sand in my hair and looking at the clouds for awhile is unplanned happiness. Surrendering to the moment, breathing, and remembering to just be. It's as if God placed the perfect cloud creation in the air just for my happiness. The clouds don't have a care in the world and for one beautiful split second, neither do I.
And time to just remember I'm loved by a power greater than my understanding. I belong to a God who ordained these days before the foundation of time. Even the winds and the waves obey him. I am painfully small in comparison to his greatness, but I matter to him. I stumble, I fall, I find victory, and occasionally bump into eternal moments. And I'm learning the good, the bad, the easy, the hard. . .it all matters and it's all grace.

Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. John 1:16

Jesus Calling Devotional Bible

2012-01-09T11:54:00.002-05:00

You don't have to know me very long to know I love the book Jesus Calling. I have it in every print version, the app, and the audio version that goes off every morning as I wake up. If I had to pick one book that has most revealed the compassion of Jesus, it's Jesus Calling. I've given it to just about everyone.

This year I'll be using The Jesus Calling Devotional Bible as my main Bible. Newly released, it's just beautiful. Of course I'm a translation snob so I'm not thrilled it's in the NKJV, but having the devotions mixed in makes it worth it. I don't mind the NKJV, it's just not my favorite and how wonderful that we live in the freedom to complain about Bible translations!

Getting back into the word on a more consistent basis is part of my spiritual goals for the year. To not just read the Bible, but to experience it. And to enjoy peace in his presence.

Buying Boardwalk

2012-01-07T11:06:00.002-05:00

I love Monopoly. I thought it was fun as a child and still do. It's been years since I pranced my silver dog (I insisted on the dog!) around the perfect square and bought properties I couldn't afford with almost endless money, but in my mind I still remember the magical feelings.

You could BE somebody in Monopoly with the right roll of the dice. Abundant fame and fortune were only shadowed by an inconvenient, but brief, stay in jail. And so what if you lost it all? Just close the board, go get a snack and play again later where the money reappeared and the chances started all over again. Oh, for life to be that easy.

Probably worth confessing is I never, ever bought Boardwalk. It won't surprise those who know me best - even though I can be fiercely competitive, it almost kills me to follow the norm. In other words, people LOVED to play Monopoly with me. I almost always lost. I felt sorry for the properties people landed on and sighed, so I bought them. Besides, I like purple and light blue! I would rather have a quaint cottage in the forest than a mansion in the city any day. And even though I lost, I felt happy. My own little seven year old interpretation of helping the underdog and saving the world.

I never pictured myself being this or having that, but if we're not careful the societal pressure to belong will suffocate us into conformation. You don't fit here unless _____. You fill in the blank. And it's almost humanly impossible to keep up, but so many of us will die trying.

In my own heart, I'm wiping the board clean this year. I'm taking all the hotels and houses I've added to things to make them more important and putting them back in the box. I'm taking steps to simplify my life every single day. I don't want to play the "she who has the most money at the end wins" game. I want to play the "she made the world better by being here" life.

So, I'll go around the board as many times as God has ordained learning as I go, collecting wisdom, strength and courage with every roll of the dice. I'll be thankful for the way my life has turned out so far whether it looks like what I think it should or not. I'll be just as content on Atlantic Avenue as I would be on Boardwalk. And with any luck - I'll stay out of jail.

Here's to Reading - 2011

2012-01-03T10:47:00.004-05:00

No secret that I'm an avid reader. I love the feel of a great book from the worn pages to the way it makes my soul feel when it ends. I like to share books and I love those who share books with me. There's just something so magical about the written word.

I finished 2011 having read just over 200 books. Part of the year I was still reviewing, but I nervously gave that up mid stream. I miss it, but it was the right decision.

I'm also slowly transitioning into e-reading with my Kindle Fire. I'm equally excited and sad to see reading go digital. More on that another time.

Out of almost 200 books finished cover to cover - here are my favorites!

Devotion by Dani Shapiro

Leaving Church by Barbara Brown Taylor

Take This Bread by Sara Miles

The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

Yoga for Depression by Amy Weintraub

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

Living Prayer by Robert Benson

And that's it! Onto 2012!

And since you asked - I'm starting this year with. . . .

Poser: My life in 23 yoga poses by Claire Dederer

Resolved 2012

2011-12-25T18:49:00.006-05:00

Had I known the outrage and confusion my decisions would create, I might have suggested to God we keep circumstances as they were. But, probably not. I was so lonely spiritually after awhile without a church and desperate for structure. It's okay to be an island until you need solid ground and don't have a boat. I wanted something to stand on and people to stand with. And I was at the end of every single option I knew.

"Go to mass for Christmas eve," echoed in my soul a whole year ago.

Go. . . . . where? Having been around the spiritual block enough times I knew to listen sooner than later. I did. I sat in the very back of a quiet Catholic church and watched church play out. I had been raised to believe "these" kinds of churches just went through the motions, never used scripture and had some remote if any relationship with God.

My soul swirled in the reverence. The scriptures, beautifully presented, came to life before my eyes. Communion was an experience. (And yes I knew I couldn't receive communion at a catholic church. File that under "tell me I can't.") And I couldn't help but think, "What's the big deal? God IS here."

I would spend most of the rest of the year fighting with people about my decision to transfer to a liturgical tradition. I'm thankful today for those who disagreed with me, who questioned me, and even for those who blatantly condemned me to Hell (not kidding). They all pushed me to dig deeper, learn more, ask more questions and find that my solid ground was and is within myself, not just a church building.

I'm thankful for a year in my church home where I feel loved and welcome. Where I feel grounded. Those walls and people have healed me from the inside out just by being there. I have found God in different and unexpected, but no less powerful ways. And He's the same God.

Looking back, I can't believe the people who have stayed with me through this confusing, questioning and frustrating season. I in no way blame the people who didn't. I'm pretty sure I would have stopped having the same conversation with me in early January. But, many of the same people who were there in January still are. Those who listened to my heartache, dried my tears and encouraged my shaky faith the most, still do. Oh, we're not talking as much about church confusion anymore, but we're wading our way through the instability that comes with all lives. Together. And this heart is grateful for the heart friends who have remained.

I hope, after doing a lot of work, I've emerged stronger in my faith. More faithful to the One I love the most. A better friend. A more understanding Christian. A person clothed first with compassion even when I disagree.

So, I close the book on this chapter and take a deep breath in the new season of walking with God. My only resolution for 2012 is to not argue with those who don't care about me. I'll only fight fair with people who do also. I'll hear the hard stuff from those who stick around long enough to help repair the wound. And I'll walk in love with myself and with those around me.

Because at the end of this journey I'm not going to stand before God and defend other people. I'm not going to have to answer for my church. I'm going to have to answer for me. And I'm standing firm on what I've known all along.

She said to Him, "Yes, Lord; I have believed that You are the Christ, the Son of God, even He who comes into the world." John 11:27

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-10T11:45:00.003-05:00

In this season of celebration.

In the waiting of Advent.

In the anticipation of Christmas morning.

Emmanuel.

Our God is with us.

Merry Christmas!

Brenda, Odyssey, Ella, and Shine

*This blog will go on break until after the first of the year. Praying your holidays are happy ones filled with memories lasting into the New Year. Thankful for all of you as we wrap up 2011!

Security

2011-12-09T13:42:00.003-05:00

Personally, I think insecurity should fade out with the next round of evolutionary changes, but that seems unlikely. Hard to find is someone of the human condition who doesn't struggle with something. I love when people say they don't have any insecurities. "I've given all of that to Jesus!" Good for you. And I doubt it.

I find most of my insecurities are fed and watered by the lies in my own head. Ever hear the whisper of the enemy so loud it's deafening? Me too. A lot lately. And it's casually subtle - until it isn't.

You'll never be that so stop trying so hard.

You could never accomplish that.

That's a dream that will never happen. Give up while you still can.

Life doesn't get better from here.

People don't like you. You don't even like you!

God could care less about your phony attempts to love him. He could never love you anyway.

One at a time they seem almost manageable, but then come the days when it's a barrage of negativity. The days when your favorite jeans already don't fit, your hair is a mess and you're late-for everything. Days when you wonder where God is and how you could have possibly lost him in the first place. Days when you know the drama is high, but you just can't help yourself. Been there?

And a little thought emerges from the spiritual soil of your heart and without realizing it you ask yourself, "What if he's.....right? What if my future is bleak? What if my plans are in vain? What if he doesn't love me?"

On those days I like to gather up all the thoughts - the ones that make sense and the ones that don't. I try not to analyze them, but just pull them together into a giant heap of human confusion and breathe.

I wrap my hands as tightly as I can around them and remember that my control is limited and my heart frail. And I do give them to a God who is bigger and who thinks clearer because I have no idea where else to put them.

And I remember that his grace is sufficient......always.

His power is made perfect in my weakness......always.

And my security is in him......always.

You won't die and other things I'm learning from the gym

2011-12-07T10:13:00.003-05:00

Once I've made up my mind about something, I'm all in. I don't look back. I press on like it's my job. And it's really hard for anyone to change my mind. Actually, that might be true about most things.

I've embarked on a fitness expedition that admittedly may be more than I can handle. Don't worry. That's not stopping me.

Added to my regular yoga practice is now boot camp (appropriately named), TRX and several miles of running a week. It's taking ALL my free time and I secretly love it.

Here's what I've learned so far:

1. I'm stronger than I think I am.

2. I'm not really in good enough shape to get this in shape right now.

3. I've never needed the stress relief of working out more than I do now.

4. I don't have time, but I really never will.

5. Working out with a bunch of people is way easier than alone.

6. No matter what it is or how long the rep is - I won't die.

And, as a bonus, I'm getting great material. Last week while running on the treadmill the guy next to me said, "You're too short to be a pole dancer."

Hmm.....I'm okay with that :)

In the waiting-Advent

2011-11-27T17:48:00.004-05:00

This is my church. This is the alter and the building and the Body of Christ that together have restored me from the inside out. Sitting in the back row of a Catholic Church on Christmas eve last year, I told God, "I will wait for you. I will." Thankfully, it was only six more days until I found Christ Church. Some might call it an accident. I'm more inclined to Divine Providence. Whatever you want to call it, I'm thankful.

It seems fitting that I'll end my first liturgical year with waiting in a season of Advent.

I couldn't help but think yesterday kneeling in that pew, sitting in that building, worshiping with those people, "I want to wait. . . .here." Not just for the celebration of the birth of Christ, but also for his return.

As we wait.

My first liturgical year - Advent

2011-11-26T11:43:00.004-05:00

Not exactly intentionally, I stumbled into my first liturgical church service Christmas Eve of last year. I didn't know much about the liturgical calendar. I didn't know much about Advent. I didn't know much about, well, anything.

I'll write more about this year in the days to come. It has been hopeful, exciting and profoundly life changing.

For today, we celebrate the end of the church year. We enter now into a season of waiting and expectation. The busyness of this last month before Christmas dims as Advent whispers sweet peace in the waiting.

As for me and my house, there won't be a frantic rushing to get the latest everything at a $10 discount. There will be patient waiting. There will be remembering that God sent his son and when he did. . . . everything changed. For them and for us.

For now, the creche is empty, but not for long. As we wait.

My Real Life Mondays-Audrey Assad - Carry Me

2011-11-21T16:17:00.003-05:00

One of my friends the other day wisely said, "We're all carrying something." I couldn't agree more which is why I'm so in love with this song right now. When we can't run, won't stand, feel weak and helpless, when life is too heavy - He carries us.

My real life-on a Monday.

Backwards and Forwards

2011-11-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

Some of the best advice I've ever received is, when things get weird or scary, go back to the place where your footing seemed secure and work from there to discover what happened. It's pure genius really. Life doesn't often get messed up in one big tornado. A bunch of little things happen and we're not okay anymore.

Confusion and frustration are my go to emotions and the beginning of things spinning out of control. I start to be more carefree with my spiritual practices. I read the Bible, but I stop absorbing it. I say prayers, but I stop listening. I begin this weird dance with the Lord where I beg him to speak and then doubt or avoid what he's saying. It's crazy and I never recognize it until I'm smack in the middle of a mess.

Advent is a great time to take a spiritual inventory and I've been doing just that. Asking myself the hard questions. Why am I running from some things? What's working? What isn't? When was the last time I was in a great God place? What did that look like? What changes need to be made to get back there?

In yoga last week, we were doing backbends, bridges, and fish poses. The instructor said, "How do you feel?" Uncomfortable! "That's because you love productivity and accomplishment. The secret to moving forward is appreciating backward motion in moderation." Sure enough, a few downward dogs and forward bends later, I was feeling more balanced.

We look back to know where we came from and fall on God's faithfulness. We take what's working and carry it with us. We leave, by God's grace, what we need to let go. We press on, straight ahead with focused determination.

And the occasional peek in the rearview mirror.

Spiritual practice as separation

2011-11-11T10:07:00.003-05:00

I love technology and up until last year had the latest everything Apple had to offer. I've had an iPhone since the day the hit the market and have been through, uh, several since then. I'm surely not far from owning an iPad. And I'm aware of the irony that even though I don't own a TV, I can (and do) watch the latest Grey's episode on my phone every week.

And technology affords me so many of my favorite people at my fingertips. I can Skype, text, e-mail, twitter, or Facebook most people from wherever I am. I love connection.

But, as Advent has been settling into my heart and life I realize my focus has been a bit off. I've touched base with a lot of people by 9 A.M. but maybe not given the day to the Lord as I need to. I've created more noise in a life that is often already overwhelmed, especially on the weekends at work.

So, today I begin, through advent, a social media free weekend policy for my own life. From Friday at 5 p.m. to Monday morning I will abandon the joy of twitter, Facebook, and blogging. I'm putting it on here so I'll really do it :) Keeping my e-mail and text open, but that's enough.

During the week I'll be still be around to debate important things like why McDonald's should die and how much coffee qualifies as an addiction.

But, for the weekend, I'll focus on him.

What are YOU doing to cultivate Advent in your heart this year?

PBWY

Pumpkin Pie

2011-11-11T09:09:00.003-05:00

Although I love being sugar and chemical free, it does make the holidays a little boring. This year for Thanksgiving I decided to figure out naturally sweetened pies that everyone would love. It took some research and a few practice rounds, but this one has officially made the cut!

Gluten free pie crust is a royal pain. You'll need a fairly large crust for this recipe.

*Pre-heat baking sheet at 375

1 - 15 oz can of pure pumpkin

1 - 12 oz can evaporated milk (not sweetened condensed!)

2 tsp ground cinnamon

2 tsp ground ginger

1/2 tsp ground cloves

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 c. honey

1/4 c. pure maple syrup

3 eggs

Stir pumpkin and evaporated milk together.

Add spices. Stir.

Stir in honey and maple syrup.

Blend 3 eggs together then stir into the mixture.

Pour filling into pie crust.

Put pie on preheated baking sheet into the over for 1 hour and 10 minutes or until knife comes out clean.

Cool on wire rack.

Store in the refrigerator! Yummy!!

Right in front of me

2011-11-10T10:21:00.004-05:00

Truth be told, I'd probably be most content in a life that involved talking about God with people 24/7. I love to know where people find him and once they do, how he shows up and changes everything. I like to be around people who genuinely love him even in the messy places.

Coming home Sunday night was an adventure. I suppose the closest I live to completely walking by faith is scheduling flights that get me home at the last possible minute. It has worked out fine enough times that I ask myself often, "What could go wrong?" Oops.

I was sitting at the airport in Baltimore waiting on a guy who was semi uninterested to determine my fate when it hit me. Spiritual hangover. I had spent most of 3 days discussing, sharing, questioning, thinking about how God shows up and how he remains when things are hard. Incredible, life changing conversations, but in that moment I was a little overwhelmed. I had no idea how I would start to move all this external information inside. How the wonderful truths would translate into my own life. And it didn't help that I was very tired.

I leaned my head against the airport wall and prayed, "God. I want this life to matter. Not because I do, but because you do. A lot of the time I feel stuck and frustrated and lonely and in your way, but if you can use me where I am, I want nothing more. It doesn't even have to be big things, but gentle reminders that you are at work would help a lot. No rush. I'm willing to wait on you and for once I think I really mean that. Amen."

I opened my eyes to mass hysteria. 50+ people not able to get to all kinds of things because the plane was late. Most of the connections wouldn't be made. By now the guy at the desk told me, "Get to Charlotte and run. Good luck." Thankfully my spiritual gift is running in heels. I was reading a book minding my own business when a college aged woman came up to use the pay phone beside me. She fumbled with her credit card and I immediately recognized the look of incoming tears. She needed to be at her destination by 8 a.m. and she wasn't going to make it. For real.

I looked at my own phone and looked up, "Do you need to use my phone?" She burst into tears quickly telling me how she left her phone charging on accident and was now in a big mess. I handed it to her and said, "Take your time, really." She made several calls and returned it still crying.

She asked, "Are you going to get home tonight?"

I smiled and said, "I don't know."

She said, "But it's going to be alright?"

I said, "Absolutely."

She smiled and left and I prayed she would live within God's very best for her all the days of her life. As God settled into that moment I remembered again that the greatest use of my life is always meeting the needs right in front of me.

And that's the greatest calling.

My Real Life Mondays - A wonderful weekend

2011-11-07T10:47:00.006-05:00

Just returning from a fabulous weekend in Baltimore with some of my favorite people on the planet. From the airport to lunch at M&S Grille where this salad changed my life. I now want to eat it every day. Not kidding.
It was SO fun to hang out IRL with friends of The Virtual Abbey. Rob is my hilarious adopted brother and Raima has inspired my life with her wise and beautiful spirituality.
And another rapid fire conversation with Penny! One of my favorite human beings for a bazillion reasons. Plus she brought tiarras which I may now wear to various outings. Or to work.
And, the reason we were there-to celebrate the sacrament of marriage with Meredith and Dan. There aren't enough words to describe how grateful I am to have Meredith as a friend in this life. And I adore Dan because he's smart and Godly and funny and wise. And they both let me borrow their books :)

The church was beautiful. The couple was stunning. The homily was incredible.

In a word - it was worship.

To be amidst such love and friendship was a blessing straight from God and I leave Baltimore motivated to keep living for him. To keep trusting him.

And thankful to be surrounded in this life by so many who love him so well.

A wonderful weekend indeed.

My real life - on a Monday.

My Real Life Mondays - The Episcopal Church

2011-10-30T16:30:00.006-04:00

True story - My relationship with God is best described as a friend refers to it - Multiple Spirituality Disorder. I'll never believe God fits into a denominational box of any size and if you try to fit me into one I'll run away screaming. Probably not kidding.

I grew up as a minister's kid in a Baptist/Bible Church. I fell in love with the God of the Old Testament and Jesus in the New Testament sometimes on a flannel board. (And, yes, I cut the head off John the Baptist. It's still funny.) It's hard for me to remember a time where God wasn't. And although I so love a great conversion testimony story, I wouldn't have it any other way for me. I'm 31 years old and I've loved God for 23 of those years already.

Sort of by accident, I attended Asbury University, a Methodist College where I studied Psychology. I'll never regret an education in a Christian environment with professors who loved and feared God. I've always preferred to learn about faith by watching people live it and for four years I had a front row seat peering into lives well lived.

While in college I attended a Methodist church exactly twice. I attended a Christian church for a year and a charismatic church for 3 years. Neither of them sans divine providence. I can't imagine being in any of those churches today, but at that time they were perfect. For me.

I moved to Georgia and remained in a charismatic church for awhile. I also spent oodles of time over the course of a decade at The Abbey of Gethsemani and still visit there yearly. I began to spend time praying the daily office and fell in love with the rhythms of prayer. Drawn to ancient traditions, my soul connects with liturgy in ways I cannot describe. I returned to the Baptist church briefly and then began almost a year without a church home.

It's in the valley we discover our own heartbeat. It's in the alone times that we ache for true community. It's the dark hours of the night when good enough......isn't. I visited every church I could think of. I listened to my friends tell me why I should go here or there. And I tried. I tried to be involved with people I already knew and loved. It just wouldn't work. I was spiritually lonely and so frustrated.

Christmas Eve I sat in the back row of a Catholic Church begging God to show up. I bowed my head as tears ran down my face, "God. I'm trying here. I'm trying to be faithful. I'm trying to wait on you. I'm trying to be where you want me to be. I know you're enough for me." I surrendered my trying that night and for the first time in a year I found peace.

A week later I walked into the Episcopal Church at the suggestion of an out of town friend. I knew nothing. I knew absolutely no one. Although I don't believe in following feelings alone, I do tend to trust the gentle leading of the Holy Spirit.

Today you'll find me within the walls of Christ Episcopal Church. God, for me, in this season is found kneeling in those pews, at the alter, within the liturgy and with those people. God still jumps off the pages of the Old Testament into my heart. And I'm still finding Jesus on every page of the New Testament. The word of the Lord is still changing my life and conforming me into the image of Christ with every minute of my life I spend there.

I appreciate community in ways I wouldn't have before. I cherish the sacred moments of an ordinary service after spending a year without it. I receive the body and the blood into every cell of my being and ask God every time to live through me. Even me. And I stand amazed every time when he does.

My real life. On a Monday.

Praying it away. With Prozac.

2011-10-28T09:52:00.003-04:00

I used to fight with people all the time about the Christian response to medication for depression and anxiety. Really, like I never got off that soapbox. I work in the field of mental health and have spent years unraveling the complicated maze of depression in my own world. So, if you asked me the right question, I'd answer you both personally AND professionally. And most likely with a little too much opinion thrown in.

These days, I've gathered enough Jesus to offer grace to both sides of the argument while considering the person individually. I don't have a boxed answer - "Everyone should be on meds!" or "Nobody should! Say your prayers!" It's not that simple.

Here are my tips for considering meds for depression and anxiety:

1. Pray and pray for peace in your decisions. I believe with all my heart that Jesus is the Great Physician and I also believe he runs a superb pharmacy.

2. Meet with someone qualified who will not push you in either direction. Let them explain your options, the side effects and alternate forms of therapy that may help without medications.

3. Inform yourself. It's 2011. Read and research with an open mind, but don't get lost in the mix.

4. Trust yourself. You know or you will soon what works, what doesn't, what helps, and what makes things worse.

5. Be flexible. Remember that you're not committing to anything for a lifetime. I evaluate my emotional and mental health twice a year and discuss my thoughts on changing things with people I trust. I integrate all kinds of non med things into my life that help me participate in managing depression.

Also I keep a few people really informed which in turn gives them permission to say things like, "Um, do you think your meds are working?" Seriously five years ago I would never have written this post and been horrified if someone asked if I took meds. Now I could care less. Honestly. And I answer those questions with, "obviously NOT!" And we laugh because life is messy and so, so funny sometimes.

And, to get on my soapbox just for a moment, I don't think depression or anxiety or much else can be prayed away. They are symptoms......not sins. I live as close to the Almighty as I possibly can. I've quit taking meds more than once to be more spiritual and trust God more. There was nothing spiritually healthy about the downfall from that. Trust me.

Even today as I took the meds that keep my own darkness at bay, I prayed, "Grant me compassion for those who struggle with all things today. Surround this life with grace. Teach me in the darkness as I embrace Your light. Amen."

Answer my prayers! No, not that way.

2011-10-27T09:49:00.004-04:00

I went to Starbucks this morning to get a ton of reading done. Armed with a steaming mug of Pike's Place Roast and a pile of brand new books, I sat in the farthest corner relieved there were only two other people there and neither were talking.

I part time play an extrovert, but I'm really not. If I don't dose myself regularly with contemplation, meditation and quiet I'll die spiritually. . . .quickly. I had just settled contentedly into my introverted self when I woman walked in carrying an office. On the phone, computer, cords, briefcase, book - a mess. I rolled my eyes. Obviously she didn't get the memo - this is quiet Thursday.

She got her vanilla latte and, even though there were 75 open spaces, sat down right next to me. Seriously? I tried not to look as she unloaded her stuff, but when she reached over me for the third time to plug something in I half smiled, "Here. Let me." She did not thank me. I did not care.

"Having a good day? she asked cheerfully."

Lady, it's 7 a.m. How could I possibly know that already?

"Yep."

I settled back into my book about learning to love God more and act more like Jesus. Obviously just a refresher since I've so mastered that.

My new friend was noisy and she slurped coffee. She sighed. A lot. And she was all up in my space. I considered moving, but the south has rubbed off on me enough to not be rude on purpose - very often.

Back to my reading. About Jesus. The next sentence was, "Jesus was content because he was not angered by being interrupted."

Closed Jesus book. Opened yoga novel.

As I was driving to work an hour later I knew God wasn't going to miss that opportunity to make a point. Just last night I was telling Him that life has been tilted awfully far to the lonely side lately.

The lady didn't require anything from me. She wasn't trying to bother me. She just sat next to me. She was (relatively quiet) company. Two people minding their own business at Starbucks, but not alone. How many other times are people around to curb the loneliness and I see them as an annoyance? Hmmmmm.

God is slowly teaching me that He longs to hear me pray, to know my heart and to accept my requests as I make them known to Him. But, by being his, I don't get to decide how or when or why those prayers get answered. And, if I don't pay attention, I'll miss the answer all together.

Then you fall on your head

2011-10-25T12:59:00.002-04:00

I'm doing a lot of yoga on my own these days, but I keep a teacher in the loop and have scheduled several intensives in the next year to keep myself accountable. Last night I was finishing up a 2 hour session and we were discussing all manner of things.

She asked, "What are your honest thoughts about yoga right this minute?"

Me: "That I'm still too big to be good at it."

(A few years ago a long round of steroids made my life a battle with weight. It is frustrating and it is on going).

She agreed that some poses would be easier if I were smaller, taller, etc. But, then very gently said, "I don't care what you weigh. You are good at this. You are crazy strong and I'm not just talking about yoga."

Interesting because I don't feel very strong right now. I feel weak. And fragile. I feel uncertain and uncomfortable. I'm in a spiritual place where I start to pray and hope God can fill in the blanks because I sure can't. Confusion is swirling and frustration is high. And I find myself whispering more often than not to the Almighty, "I. Just. Need. You."

My yoga teacher resumed our conversation with, "What pose would you do if you were the perfect weight and 10 years into a yoga practice?"

Me: "A back bend from standing/Wheel pose." (I don't know why. I just have a hard time with back bends and I really want to be good at them.)

We were sitting on the mat and she said, "Do it."

Me: "Now? No! I can't! What if I fall on my head?"

"Then you fall on your head."

Mainly because I'm stubborn, I said, "Ok, fine."

I stood there for a few minutes. I put my hands out in front of me and as I leaned back everything fell into place. I was flexible enough. I was strong enough. I could feel every vertebrae cooperate and before I knew it my hands were perfectly flat on the mat. It was a great victory.

Last night I prayed, "God what if nothing works out the way I dream? What if I get to the end of life and I've done nothing for You. What if these days don't matter when all is said and done? What if, what if, what if.......what if I fall on my head?"

"Then I'll catch you."

My Real Life Mondays - Iphone Photo Dump

2011-10-24T10:28:00.004-04:00

Here's what I've been up to lately - the iPhone photo dump edition.

Making this awesome sugar free chemical free apple cranberry pie that will be making an appearance at Thanksgiving.

Rescuing this sweetie from the dryer. Her new favorite place to hide during thunderstorms. Bless her.

Remembering I've been drinking way too much coffee again.

Only drank 3 cups this weekend - getting back on track.

Cleaned up this room. Planning to spend LOTS of quiet time there in the evenings this week. Yoga, prayer, reading, etc. My soul has been SCREAMING for rest. More on that later.

I've been missing these friends so I'm drinking a lot of tea out of this mug lately.

And I've been getting much better at this yoga pose!

And making some great discoveries and spiritual connections in yoga. More on that later, too.

Happy Monday!!

The Magic of an Ordinary Day

2011-10-21T11:53:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I was walking through the outpatient part of a hospital racing to a benefits meeting. I was bemoaning in my head that I had to run there on my lunch break and hoping I could get everything done that I needed to in the 45 minutes I had.

Hospitals are good places for perspective and, as it turns out, I've been praying for more.

I forced myself to slow down. The world wouldn't end if I was gone 46 minutes. I could feel the Spirit whisper, "don't rush. Don't miss this moment."

I still had to be responsible with my day. I couldn't stop and smell the roses or wander along on my happy way. But, I could notice.

Immediately my eyes fell on a younger man in a wheel chair with a balding head and a broken heart. He was very thin and apparently very ill. I wondered if he wouldn't rather have my life today.

I walked by the waiting room where a woman was rocking with her head in hands. Worry seeped from her pores while awaiting word from a loved one's procedure. I wondered if she would rather be running late for a meeting instead.

A man walked by me very slowly on crutches in a seemingly large amount of pain. I wondered if he would trade being busy at lunch for the ability to move freely.

An older woman on oxygen, and still struggling to breathe, was in the lobby. She was fragile and weak. Her bony fingers grasped the chair for dear life with every inhale. I wondered if she wouldn't gladly take the cold I'd been frustrated about just to be able to take a deeper breath.

I went to my meeting signing the forms for benefits I hope I never need. Cancer policies and accident coverage. Disability. Medical coverage and preventative measures. Sign here, here and here and you'll be covered if the unthinkable surfaces. Allegedly.

I tucked the forms into my purse and walked back down the hallways. Those I had seen before were on their way elsewhere and new people occupied the chairs. I prayed that peace would envelop that place and that I would never miss or take for granted the magic of an ordinary day.

My Real Life Mondays - Philosophy

2011-10-17T16:57:00.004-04:00

People always ask me my favorite products. I have no idea why. I've never, ever had anywhere near perfect skin and at this point doubt I ever will. But, I gather inspiration where it can be found, and for me that's on the bottles of all things Philosophy.

My favorite company in all the world is Philosophy. Any cabinet in my bathroom is filled to the brim with their wonderful products with divine inspiration stamped on every bottle. A friend stayed in my guest room recently and spent at least an hour in the shower. "Sorry friend. I was reading all your cool bottles. I love that company!" Me too.
Perfect titles and an oil free make up remover that WORKS. What a concept.
This is what I'm scraping off my face before church these days. My all time favorite lip gloss.
When hope is not enough - enough said. I just love having this on my bathroom counter.

My favorite eye cream. Ever.

And this, I own the whole collection.

Inner Grace.

I don't just want to smell like it - I want to live it.

http://www.philosophy.com/

My real life-on a Monday.

Roaches, Snakes and Silver Linings

2011-10-14T18:31:00.004-04:00

When I first moved to the south, I had no idea that bugs had evolved at a faster rate here. I settled into a cute, little (old) duplex with a roommate from work who was already from Georgia. One Friday night I was home alone moving in my things, minding my own business when a roach the size of a mouse came waltzing across the kitchen tile. (Side note: you do not have to be nasty to have roaches here, you just have to, well, be here).

I froze as my heart stopped. Racing through my mind came whattodowhattodowhattodo? I followed it around for a good 10 minutes. Having just left a charismatic church, I willed it to die. In Jesus' name. It didn't work. I reached for my phone, but didn't know many people yet. Finally I called my new roommate borderline hysterical who came to my rescue.

She found me in the living room following (at a safe distance) this somewhat smaller than a mouse now roach. "I don't know what to do!"

She walked toward it confidently and in one motion - stepped on it. Crunch. As she went to get one tissue to clean up the remains (ewwww!) she said, "Huh. That's interesting."

I was afraid to ask. "What's interesting?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just the ones that look like that usually fly."

OMG!!!!!!!!!!

I died on the spot.

And thought I would never recover or adjust to this treacherous new landscape.

But, 9 years and roughly 65,321,528,211 larger than life bugs later - I'm a semi pro. Just a few weeks ago I had to put a snake out of my misery when he threatened to get close to one of my dogs.

And, as I was tossing his remains into the woods behind my house I thought, "Huh. Too bad I don't have time or proper tools. He would make the coolest high heels!!"

Yes, but, is it helping?

2011-10-11T11:27:00.003-04:00

It's been about a year now since I've made a more concentrated effort to bring calm to my life. Stress was just about to kill me and my body was showing signs of fighting back. My doctor wisely said, "You're not at the breaking point yet, but you're dangerously close."

Knowing I had to do something, I fell headlong into a yoga practice more out of desperation than anything else. I returned to the basics of faith and embraced prayer and meditation like it was my job. I hired a private yoga teacher, began chiropractic care and massage therapy. I replaced much of the caffeine I consume with decaf tea. And I learned to breathe again.

I simplified my home and my life.

I said "no". . . . . a lot.

I cancelled my gym membership and returned to the joy of walking and jogging and breathing fresh air.

And even though I felt better, it's hard to measure things like that.

The yoga, the quiet, the prayer, the Scripture, the meditation, the candles, the simplifying. . . . . was it helping?

Twice lately, once last week and once this morning, I've gotten some unsettling news. Nothing to worry about yet, but that never stopped me before. Situational things that are out of my control, but that's also never stopped me. The first thing I noticed both times was, involuntarily, I took a deep breath and immediately felt centered. I prayed. I trusted. I did not freak out.

I surprise myself sometimes.

Have I mastered the art of balance? Not hardly.

Have I learned to trust the Lord to the extent that my actions and reactions are exactly his? Uh, no. For sure not.

But, as one who lives for progress I can say, yes, it's helping.

And I'm thankful for that.

My Real Life Mondays-Soup

2011-10-10T12:25:00.005-04:00

So, if my refrigerator picture yesterday is any indication, I don't cook. Except that I do. I just don't do every day cooking. I love recipes that have 100 ingredients and take hours to make. I find the preparation of complicated food very therapeutic. So, while you're more likely to see me eating take out salads, I also love to cook. And here's the proof!

Rule #1 - I only cook with pretty food.

Rule #2: Cracked mustard seeds in olive oil make all recipes better

Rule #3: The anemic among us put spinach in everything. No, really.

Like comfort in a boiling pot of perfectly seasoned water! It's almost spiritual.

My real life. . . . on a Monday.

Introducing My Real Life Mondays

2011-10-09T00:07:00.003-04:00

I was having this discussion with one of my friends over dinner the other night.

J: I like your blog, but it's not personal enough.

Me: Are you kidding?

J: No, I mean it IS, it just isn't. (Gotta love these conversations!)

Me: Okay, not personal enough, how?

J: Like, you don't post enough pictures of your real life.

Me: Okay, I don't post a lot of pictures. You're right. What would you like pictures of?

J: Fun stuff. You're fun. Like, what's in your refrigerator.

Me: Seriously? Who cares about that?

J: No! It's Fun! Be more fun!

Me: Okay!

So, thanks to my lovely friend J, you are warmly invited to a weekly blog post called My Real Life Mondays. Starting this Monday I'll pick a part of my *real* life to tell you about, show you, and introduce you to some of my favorite things along the way.

And, in case now curiosity has gotten the best of you. . . . .

Here's my refrigerator.

My ongoing obsession with IZZE, V8 Juice, other juice, Water, carbonated water, Almond Milk, mandarin oranges and cheese. I would always LOVE for that guy to come to my house who thinks he can make a meal out of any refrigerator. Good luck with that!

Not Today

2011-10-06T10:51:00.002-04:00

As a chronic over-thinker, I'll wear myself out, all by myself, if I'll let me. I'm hoping the next translation of the Bible eliminates all verses about worry and anxiety. It makes me feel unspiritual to be drowning and then quickly recover enough to say nonchalantly (think Steel Magnolias), "Oh, me? I'm just a tiny bit concerned about that." PLEASE.

I heard a pastor the other day say, "Jesus never worried." Now, I can't say for sure because I wasn't there, but I'm thinking sweating drops of BLOOD may rank kinda high on the concerned scale! I'm just sayin.

Anyway.......

Occasionally, I just have to give myself a break by giving my brain permission to slow down.

The mirror in my bathroom is 12 feet wide by 6 feet high. When I built my home I picked it out thinking it would be a great place to write notes. And I do. All the time.

So, this morning, in Merle Norman Sweet Marmalade lip pencil plus, I wrote in big letters NOT TODAY. I stood back and thought, Good!

Things I can't fix? Not today!

Things I can't change? Not today!

Things I wish would happen. Things I pray never will. Things I can't get over. And the things I probably shouldn't have yet. Worries about tomorrow, yesterday, and today. Anxiety about what has been, what is, and what maybe will be.

All of it will still be there for me to be concerned about another time.

But, not today.

Window on Depression

2011-10-04T19:34:00.002-04:00

I don't write extensively on here about depression. It's something I deal with and occasionally overcome, but it doesn't define my existence. And it certainly isn't my intention to be some self appointed poster child for a disease I'm constantly trying to unravel.

But, lately I've had some great, although heart wrenching, back channel conversations with people. It's complicated and I'm not pretending I know what everyone goes through, but these are the things I find helpful to remember.

1. It's harder than it looks to act happy. A lot of the time - much harder.

2. No matter how much support you have, you always feel somewhat alone.

3. It's exhausting chasing the light.

4. Tidal waves can't always be predicted.

5. Any chronic disease is discouraging a lot of the time.

6. If you do, great, but you probably don't have the solution.

7. God IS the answer. Not necessarily helpful when people mention it as a cure.

8. Depression is NOT a sin. It's a symptom.

9. There are absolutely things people can do/not do to help with depression. And there's a lot to it that feels like being blindsided. Balancing both realistically is important.

10. The opposite of depression is not constant joy. Sometimes it's just being okay. And that's okay.

And not just regarding depression:

Be willing to give grace to those in your life who may be dealing with more than you realize. Sometimes actions and reactions surface from a place of just trying to survive. The greatest gift you can give someone else is to be there unconditionally. Hope is always there. It's just sometimes hard to find.

Books I Love

2011-10-04T15:10:00.002-04:00

Leaving Church by Barbara Taylor Brown is easily one of my favorite books of the year, and quite possibly of all time. I always appreciate an honest memoir of genuine faith. I especially appreciated it at this time in my life. Beautifully written. I found God alive and well on every page. A great read.

That's not incense

2011-10-02T20:56:00.003-04:00

Christmas Eve will be the anniversary of my somewhat unintentional transition to the liturgical church tradition. I was thinking I could pull off the whole "I'm new so I don't know" act at least til then. Apparently not.

Last Wednesday a brand new person came in and, although there were at least 100 open spaces, sat down right next to me. Considering myself now a part of that church, I thought it might be rude to not welcome her along with the huge banner in the foyer. This church welcomes you+I'm in this church=I have to welcome you. So I did.

Smile. "Hey." (I live in South Georgia. Hey is a perfectly acceptable greeting in church or elsewhere).

She took this as an invitation and said, "ThisismyfirsttimehereI'veneverbeentoachurchlikethisandI'mnotsurewhattodomindifIsithere?" No breath. No kidding.

"No, of course not. Please, sit." I handed her my bulletin and bookmarked the readings for her.

When the service was over I expected her to have lots of questions or be completely overwhelmed. All she said was, "I love these kinds of churches! Where do they hide the incense? I didn't even see it but it smells so good! It's heavenly!"

I hated to have to tell her, but I did.

That's not incense.

That's furniture polish.

Brennen Manning-All is Grace

2011-09-26T13:47:00.007-04:00

“For Ragamuffins, God's name is Mercy. We see our darkness as a prized possession because it drives us into the heart of God. Without mercy our darkness would plunge us into despair - for some, self-destruction. Time alone with God reveals the unfathomable depths of the poverty of the spirit. We are so poor that even our poverty is not our own: It belongs to the mysterium tremendum of a loving God.” -Brennen Manning

I don't keep a lot of books. The odds of finishing my reading list in a normal lifetime isn't even probable. If I'm reading a book you want, as soon as I'm done you can have it. No, really, you can. In recent years I've downsized my library from over 1000 books to less than 25.

I make a few exceptions. There's a shelf in my office of books you can't have. Although I can't be sure, it's quite possible I couldn't survive in their absence. They're books that have outlined my existence, saved my earthly life, and became better companions than most.

Henri Nouwen's The Return of the Prodigal Son, The Life of the Beloved, and Can you Drink the Cup?

Robert Benson's Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, Living Prayer, The Body Broken and In Constant Prayer.

And Brennen Manning. Abba's Child, The Furious Longing of God, The Ragamuffin Gospel, and The Wisdom of Tenderness.

Added to my shelf this morning is Manning's soon to be released memoirs, All is Grace. Anticipated to be his final work, it is the crowning glory of a life openly embracing the God he loves. Not a perfect life. Not a life cleaned up and offered with the expectation that more people will run to God if we make Him more attractive. He found God from the place he was standing, and God accepted and led him from that moment on. His story is a symphony of grace.

It was Manning who first brought to my awareness that my soul has a voice longing to be heard. It was in his words I found the freedom to sit with darkness and still trust the Light. On pages he penned, I found the love of a Father. The same God, great Creator and Ruler of the universe, calls this sinner, "Beloved." He invites me, welcomes me, to come to Him. Not when I get it all together. Not when I'm worthy. Now. And to keep bringing this mess of an existence to His heart, over, and over, and over again until my faith is made sight.

All is Grace Indeed.

And What if They Don't

2011-09-22T11:22:00.004-04:00

I think dreaming is risky and settling in is boring. It's a problem. I can't hope for too much without being afraid none of it will come true. And being without a challenge bores me to tears. I would sum up my life so far as constant frustration mixed with just enough bright rays of clarity and balance to survive.

Last year one of the few people who speak absolute truth into my life asked me a simple question. "If you could do anything with the days you are given what would it be?"

Fear gripped my soul. Say it out loud? Isn't that like announcing your wish post blowing out the candles?

And, as it happened, I couldn't tell her that day without a full blown panic attack. But, a few months later, I did. I can't tell you how freeing it was to put words to my dreams. Scary? Yes. Immediately I found the most terrifying part to be the possibility they wouldn't come true. Then what? Someone else would know! I wouldn't go to my grave thinking, "So glad I never said that!"

After, I said, (Because I'm SO spiritual), "And I swear if God doesn't have similar plans I'm going to throw a ROYAL FIT!" I wish I was kidding.

I was thinking about dreams yesterday. The ones that come true. The ones that don't. The ones that leave too quickly. And the ones we're so thankful never came to be. It's a scary ledge to dream big dreams.

I remember building my house several years ago and refusing to get involved in the process. I went there when I had to, checking on electrical outlet locations and other things. I picked out door handles and cabinets. I went through the motions without a lot of heart. Somewhere I feared that it would never be mine. Self preservation prevents hurt in my mind.

The day they handed me the keys, I sat in the middle of the living floor and wept. My dream of building and owning a home did come true, but I had missed the experience. I didn't marvel at the construction or count down the days. I was present for the process, but only to the point I wouldn't be disappointed.

Last night I prayed, "God. What if my dreams do come true?"

-Then you'll be ready.

"And. And. And what if they......don't?"

-Then you'll remember the joy is finding Me in the journey.

Not all who wander are lost.

J. R. R. Tolkien

Light

2011-09-21T13:36:00.002-04:00

Ring the bells that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything.

That's how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Going to Heaven?? Planning on it.

2011-09-17T12:25:00.004-04:00

For by grace you have been saved through faith;

and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God,

not as a result of works so that no one may boast.

Eph. 2:8-9

Yesterday we were watching a sermon by David Platt, the author of the popular book Radical, at work. I think he has great points about a lot of things and covers most topics in ways that are challenging and Biblical. His message about eternity made me nuts.

I agreed with him that salvation is more than "repeating this prayer" signing this card and accepting a get out of Hell free card. I agree that perhaps not everyone who proclaims right relationship with the Almighty is correct. I don't agree with his mindset that we can't know for sure we're going to Heaven.

He mentioned that it keeps him up at night worrying that the people he ministers to don't really know God. He's worried that if he's not careful he will stand before the judgement seat of Christ and hear, "I never knew you." He mentioned that those following God should display works of God and bear fruit. True. But, his message tilted dangerously close to putting salvation back in my court. And that's not good news.

I'll never believe in a God who expects His children to live in fear and anxiety. (Do not fear/be anxious for nothing zips through my mind). God refers to us as his children. Loved. Forgiven. Accepted. We do make a choice to choose Him. We accept his plan of redemption and we fall on his grace and mercy. And then, I have to believe, for my own sanity, we can know where we stand with him. What parent wants their child growing up saying, "You say I'm yours, but I'm just not sure."

I'm not of the mindset that threatening people with Hell will make them come running to the Father. God is everything to me. The rest of all of my life revolves around my decision to be His. That's not to say I've "arrived" spiritually. The fact that we're always changing things so this life better reflects Him is proof that the relationship lives.

I can't live with anxiety that Heaven is not for me. I can't live in fear that I'll get there and He won't recognize me. I've accepted His gift of salvation. I've aligned my life with his. At the end of the day, I'm a human being with an eternal soul. God does not fall off his throne when I fail.

And I'm planning on going to Heaven.

It was love that drew me to Him. . . . .

and love that leads me Home.

Closing the Book on Reviews

2011-09-15T10:31:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, after almost three years of continuous reading, I cancelled all contracts to review books for publishers. It was not an easy decision. I have loved reading books for the purpose of sharing with others how remarkable they are. I've found authors I never would have discovered if not for reviews. It's been joy.

But, over the last month, the pile of books not to review has grown to epic proportions. Books I want to read. Books I need to read. I have found myself reading something I don't want to while looking longingly at a stack of Yoga Journal magazines wishing I could flip through those haphazardly instead.

So, yesterday I sent out gracious letters thanking companies that trusted my opinion. It made me sad to hit send, but I knew it was the right decision. I will still review a small handful of books that I feel are important, but definitely not 2-3 per week.

I want to review books when I get nothing in return. Books I love. Books that have changed my life. And not always books that I'm reading just because I promised to. It's been a remarkable journey and if anyone gives you the opportunity to review writing-do it.

Thank you to the publishers who believed in me to pass on the messages of those they represent. I am better for it.

God in the broken places

2011-09-14T12:06:00.003-04:00

A friend called me early yesterday morning and started sobbing before I finished saying, "hello." My heart broke.

"Bren? Where is God.......in this?"

I swallowed the urge to start rapid fire shooting Bible verses at her even though several came to mind. Cliches make me crazy. Christian cliches make me homicidal.

I didn't say anything, letting her weep for several minutes. When the storm had subsided, I said gently, "There's a purpose for the breaking."

"Bren. Promise me if I hold on long enough He'll put all the pieces back together again."

I wish I could have. I'd like to have that hope about some things myself.

I used to pray that God would fix everything with some magic spiritual superglue. I used to pray that He would shield me from being broken in the first place.

In recent years, my prayers have changed. I find myself often times quite literally on my knees praying, "Don't leave me alone in the broken places. Help me not to miss your plan for this moment in time. Be as real to me in the darkness as You have been in the light."

Amen.

Night Night Blessings-A Book Review

2011-09-14T10:07:00.003-04:00

Amy Parker writes great books for children and this one is no exception. The words are simple and the prayers sincere. The illustrations are super cute. This one has an audience of very young children who need books read to them. Gentle reminders of God's love, sweet prayers and beautiful pictures. Get it for the kids in your life.

*For Thomas Nelson

Ascent From Darkness-A Book Review

2011-09-13T16:20:00.004-04:00

I appreciate spiritual journeys. I respect a great testimony. And I'll never stop being amazed at God's ability to take someone from darkness to light. His redemptive plan is freedom.

Ascent from Darkness tells the true story of Michael Leehan as he falls into Satanism and returns redeemed by God's great grace. It's a truly remarkable testimony.

The writing is good and the people believable. The story is fast paced covering several decades.

And I'm going to have to say I don't recommend it. The darkness is so dark. The stories so vivid. The animal sacrifices are heartbreaking and the fear palpable. I know that Satan is alive and well on planet earth and spiritual warfare is real, but personally I don't want to read about it.

It would appeal to a limited audience at best. I am grateful for his freedom from darkness into God's glorious light. A miracle indeed.

*For Thomas Nelson

Close Enough to Hear God Breathe-A Book Review

2011-09-13T10:05:00.002-04:00

"You're my child, my love, my pleasure."

I'll have to admit, I get a little weirded out when people talk about the Almighty like they're dating him. I get easily frustrated with those who ride on the emotion of spiritual highs and lows. And I think it's flat dangerous to base an entire relationship with God on feelings at any given moment. I have, at times, been all over the place spiritually and it has renewed my commitment to take God at His Word. Period.

Close Enough to Hear God Breathe by Greg Paul offers a unique balance of both fact and feelings. It reminded me in the hard times to listen for his sweet voice of peace, "I love you." And it was a gentle reminder in the disobedient times to hear him whisper, "I love you too much for this." An overall feeling that God is with us illuminates every page.

Quite possibly there's a place for both great love and a mighty reverence in the spiritual existence.

*For Thomas Nelson

More Lost Than Found - A Book Review

2011-09-11T17:36:00.002-04:00

It may be just that I find the topic of particular interest, but I love to converse with people who have left the faith/church and are or are not returning. I love to know why, what happened, and what's still drawing them even after being deeply wounded.

Jared Herd's book More Lost Than Found provides a companion on the unsteady ground of a faith journey. I respect his honesty and appreciate that not all of the questions he presents have easy answers.

A few of my favorite parts:

"Paul was willing to let things be ambiguous and undefined, to let the Good News shape people where they were instead of indoctrinating them in a cultural framework that made no sense."

"Because the journey began two thousand years ago wasn't to become more sacred. It was to walk closer to what is true."

"He doesn't force us to paint over the mess either. He allows things to be ugly. He doesn't work around reality-he works with it."

"The spiritual quest begins when we assume something we can't see is more real than what we can."

"Jesus, who died a horrible death himself, didn't deal in pithy comments and trite explanations that skirted gritty reality. He faced them; and sometimes he did nothing. He just let it hurt."

Amen to that.

It's easy to read with a nonjudgemental tone. I want to put it into the hands of everyone I've talked to lately who has said in one way or another, "Church hurts too much. I'm never going back."

*For Thomas Nelson

There You'll Find Me - A Book Review

2011-09-09T12:37:00.003-04:00

I'm not too ashamed to say I begged, borrowed, and almost stole to get my hands on this book early. I'm also not too proud to say, it's teen fiction. Could have fooled me-I loved it!

The common denominator of the human experience is that we're all searching for something. I loved following Finley (great name) through this book as a foreign exchange student in Ireland on her quest for answers. With her deceased brother's journal in hand, she's looking for concrete things and also evidence that God still cares.

Surprisingly enjoyable, she unwillingly becomes involved with a superstar from vampire movies who fills the void and offers the help she needs.

When life gets out of control, Finley takes desperate actions and discovers that the best way to look up is when everything else has come crumbling down.

I loved it.

*For Thomas Nelson

Waking Hours - A Book Review

2011-09-09T12:17:00.002-04:00

The latest book by Lis Wiehl releases October 4th as part of the East Salem Trilogy. I love her writing and find stories where the line between crime and the super natural gets blurred. Solving the murder of a girl is made especially difficult when all the suspects are teenagers. With help from a former football star longing to be a PI, the mystery is figured out just in time for another one and inevitable relationships are just beginning as the book ends. It's page turning at the finest level and right on track with her previous novels.

*For Thomas Nelson

Great Book Titles

2011-09-09T12:03:00.002-04:00

Probably my favorite book title of all time.

A close second.

And the book I can't WAIT to read. Releasing October 4th!

Heartache via the church and her people

2011-09-07T16:30:00.002-04:00

I wasn't going to go to church last night. I love my church, but I'm over the top irritated with all things Christian lately. I'm frustrated with some friendships. I'm annoyed that people have not turned out to be who trusted them to be. I'm tired of people wanting me to drop everything when they have a bad day, but can't be supportive for five minutes when I really need them. I'm tired of people putting denominational differences ahead of someone's heart. And I'm sad.

To be fair, I think church life is extra hard for single, divorced, separated, alone people. Just by social infrastructure, we don't fit. Thankfully, I've come to terms with worshiping alone after several years of resenting it. I almost, sometimes, prefer it. I can just be with God and not distracted. I certainly don't miss people elbowing me during parts of the sermon!

It's amazing how easy it is to get hurt in a church setting, and how unbelievably painful. Equally disturbing, how long it takes to recover. And once you've been hurt, it seems simple things get instantly multiplied way out of proportion. Once those you've trusted to hold your spirituality hurt you, it seems likely everyone will. Once harsh words are spoken within sacred walls, it seems hurt is lurking around every corner.

Humanity is fragile. The church is not immune.

So, in a brief moment of faith and maturity, I went to church last night. My current issue is not with those people. It's not their fault. I don't even really know most of them. But, they represent the church to me and I wanted to be away. I knew if and before I made my way to the alter I would have to forgive. Again.

Kneeling at the alter, I remembered life's a risk and church is not an exception. I forgave intentional and unintentional hurt. And as I heard these words. . . . .

Eternal God, heavenly Father,

You have graciously accepted us as living members

of Your Son our Savior Jesus Christ,

and You have fed us with spiritual food

in the Sacrament of His Body and Blood.

Send us now into the world in peace,

and grant us strength and courage

to love and serve You

with gladness and singleness of heart;

through Christ our Lord. Amen

And I forgave myself, too.

Hermie A Common Caterpillar - A Book Review

2011-09-07T10:16:00.003-04:00

Max Lucado has released his Hermie and Friends book again for starting readers. Cute as ever, Hermie goes on a journey feeling very ordinary when God made him special. He finds friends along the way who seem to have special gifts when he seemingly has none. Falling into a deep sleep, he transforms into a beautiful butterfly. Repetition is good for new readers. The story is enjoyable, the characters are likable, and the artwork is beautiful. I hope Thomas Nelson also updates the rest of the series in a similar format.

*For Thomas Nelson

Gabby, God's Little Angel-A Book Review

2011-09-07T09:50:00.005-04:00

Sheila Walsh returns to children's stories with Gabby, God's Little Angel. It's a delightful story of a guardian angel who leans towards trouble sent to help a human just the same. The artwork is precious. I have to say the prayer she prays is one God would probably like to hear more from me (except I don't have a pony!).

"Dear God, thank You so much for sending Your angel to help me stay on my pony today. I'll try not to be so much trouble tomorrow. I'm so glad You love me. Amen"

Amen.

*For Thomas Nelson

I Just Do What My Row Is Doing

2011-09-06T12:18:00.000-04:00

I know God has a killer sense of humor. I could list on here the zillion times He's shown up in ways that are profound, faithful, amazing....and humorous. It might be my favorite God quality. When it isn't-it isn't-but a whole lot of the time I think life is funny. We're human. We're flawed. We mess up. For whatever weird reason, I think spiritual stuff is extra funny

I was recounting this story to a friend of mine last night who said to me today, "Bren. You have to blog that. I was still laughing when I went to bed." So, here goes.

I'm getting WAY more comfortable in a liturgical church setting. I get it. I know what to say. I know when to say it. I'm getting to where I even kind of know what's next and whether it's in the Book of Common Prayer, the Service Book, the Hymnal, the bulletin, or the music book especially for the 1130 service. I swear whoever planned this church was ORGANIZED! Ha. So, anyway, now that I know where to find what and when-I'm starting to get the whole rhythm of the liturgical church......and I love it.

Enter Wednesday night several months ago. I'd never been to that service before. I went straight from work. I was talking to a friend on the phone while walking in (not paying attention) so I followed the people in front of me right into the overflow sanctuary. Quite frankly-I didn't know there WAS an overflow sanctuary. So, that's where I ended up-in a row with a bunch of random people which was fine but I got off the phone and thought, "Where am I?"

By then the service started and this room is kind of to the right of the front so you can see-but you can't. Anyway, when my friends ask about stuff at church I just tell them, "I don't know. I just do what my row is doing." :) It's the truth. So, I was paying attention, but this guy walked in and started doing something on his phone and I started thinking about what kind of phone it was and all the sudden my entire row (and a bunch of other people) stand up and start walking to the front. My thought? It's too early for communion and I don't remember seeing that whole set up, but again, I couldn't really see.

So, I either had to go with them or a bunch of people were going to have to crawl over me. I promise you not so long ago I was a "keep up appearances" at church kinda person. Apparently not anymore. So, I'm in the middle of all these people walking to the front when it occurs to me that...

A. I don't know what we're doing and

B. everyone isn't going.

It was too late. What to do, what to do? "Um, Lord?" Total peace. Okay! (Good thing the peace arrived because my other options were none!)

Everyone kneels at the alter. It's a lot of people. I'm somewhere in the middle. I wanted so much to worry, but I just couldn't. No one was looking at me anyway and I honestly just didn't care. I realize by now on Wednesdays they offer a time of "Special prayers for those in need." As long as it's "In general" I definitely qualified! (and thank goodness it wasn't "Confess your biggest sin in this line" Wednesday! I have GOT to pay more attention!).

In spite of myself, my vision tunneled on God showing up in this moment. Sweet indescribable peace. Literally drowning in grace and mercy in that moment. The whole world faded away. The priest comes to me, in the middle, FIRST (Um, why??? I'm in the middle!). He prayed the most beautiful prayer over this life. I can't remember any of it, but I feel like I've lived it out the rest of the week. I know it wasn't a magical prayer, but it was a fairly eternal moment.

I'm not one who gets all wrapped up in experience, but the bottom line is the peace at that alter now several months later-hasn't left. It's weird. And it's wonderful. And I'm so thankful. More than I realized, I must have needed that special God touch. That gentle reminder, "I'm here. I care."

And I had to laugh to myself last Wednesday when a lady sat down next to me and said, "Mind if I just do what you do?"

Not at all :)

Right From the Heart - A Book Review

2011-09-06T11:14:00.003-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with Daily Devotionals. For me they tend to be too much or all fluff. I was pleasantly surprised by Right From the Heart by Bryant Wright. The verse for the day is short and relevant enough to carry with me. The devotional itself is one page, concise, interesting and helpful. Conveniently sized at about 7x5 it's a go anywhere book. I love a hardcover devotional because it usually gets torn up by the end of a year. My only complaint is it really needs a ribbon bookmark. All daily use books should come standard with a bookmark in my opinion. Otherwise, I love it. I've already chosen it as my morning devotional to start again this January and read all year. It's a great book and would make a wonderful gift.

*For Thomas Nelson

Wrapped in Rain - A Book Review

2011-09-06T10:39:00.003-04:00

I forgot how much I love the writing of Charles Martin until this book was re-released recently. I read a lot and don't always remember the details of every novel, but these are stories that stick with you. I was cleaning out some bookcases just last night and came across his other works, Down Where My Love Lives, Chasing Fireflies, and When Crickets Cry. I remembered how much I love the ways he tells a story.

I just finished Wrapped in Rain, A Novel of Coming Home.

"Tucker, I want to tell you a secret." Miss Ella curled my hand into a fist and showed it to me. "Life is a battle, but you can't fight it with your fists. You got to fight it with your heart."

It's a story of two brothers coming to peace with a tragic past in their own ways. It's the reminder that the impact we have on another can last long after we're gone. It's the conclusion that grace is always enough.

You'll want to turn the next page and you'll be sad there aren't more when you reach the last one.

*For Thomas Nelson

Sabbath September

2011-09-05T10:43:00.003-04:00

In some little corner of my soul I want to be a contemplative. I want to enjoy centering prayer and meditation. I want to be quiet and still, connecting with the Divine in sacred moments of undeniable peace. And on occasion, I have. I can read the Bible all day long, but until God shows up and whispers, "I'm here," it's never enough for me. I find God in the ordinary continuously. I see His fingerprints in the sunrise, the sunset, and the seasons.

Spiritually speaking, this summer might as well have been winter. Rough, cold edges on a faith in transition threatened to plunge this soul into despair. It was an important season, but not one I'd like to walk through again any time soon. Prayers were hard to pray. In honest moments, through a veil of tears, my soul would whisper, "Where are You in this?" And faithfully God was there, "I'm here." No explanation, no apology, no deadline to the frustration, just, "I'm here."

And it was enough. He was enough.

September is my favorite month spiritually. It's as if the calendar page turns and peace descends for no other reason except it's September. I can breathe again. I can pray again. Regular, thankful prayers whispered to a God who is my everything. Hope has come in various ways-people, friendships, professional relationships and a church that is sacred space for me. And I'm thankful.

September feels like a long Sabbath for me, like a month of Sundays. I always let myself just "be" in these days. I let myself believe that where I am is where I need to be. I trust in Divine guidance and find permission to be still and know and wait willingly. I settle in with the questions, okay without answers. It's as close to contemplative as this life gets.

It's a month of prayer for me, connecting with a God who is always enough, redefining devotion, yoga, long walks in cooler weather, reading, quiet nights with tea and a blanket, long conversations, sleeping with the windows open and peace.

September, you have come with perfect timing and this life is glad you're here.

Stolen Plastic Numbers

2011-09-02T16:22:00.002-04:00

True story. Monday, someone in Ohio, took my debit card number, made a card, and tried to use it. At Walgreens. Now, I'm no expert at theft, but Walgreens??? I'd take my stolen card to Tiffany's and the police can wrestle the little blue box out of my fingers, but that's just me.

Anyway, almost immediately I got a call from Bank of America. BoA usually makes me want to bash my head against a wall, but this time they were on top of their game. The phone call was not exactly my finest moment.

Me: "Hello."

BoA: "Are you in the town where you opened your debit card?"

Me: "Why?"

BoA: "Ma'am it's for security purposes. Your card has been compromised."

(insert FBI music from CSI running through my head)

Me-not paying attention: "What?"

BoA: "Are you in the town where you live, ma'am?"

Me: "Yes."

BoA: "Good. Did you use your debit card at a shoe store today?"

Me: Thinking- Hmmmmm.......Oh, those shoes are so cute! I can't wait to wear them this weekend!

BoA: "Ma'am?"

Me: "Yes, I did. I didn't like the sandals I was wearing."

BoA: "Just a yes or no will do."

Me: FINE. "Ok. Sorry." (Rolling eyes. This isn't fun anymore.)

BoA: (Suddenly talking 90-nothing) "Ok, ma'am your card number has been used illegally and your account is now shut down. Please throw your card away and a new one will be issued to you in about a week. Goodbye."

Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT a minute! I'm anti credit cards as in I don't have any. I have a checkbook. Somewhere. But, I can't remember the last time I used it. And my account forbids me from talking to an actual teller without a fee. I like it that way. I like the little machine thing.

Instantly I panicked. What if I needed food or gas or coffee or gum or water or or or or............I have money but I have no way to get to it! Finally I settled into the realization that I had a check I could cash and I would make it until next week without my card. WHEW!

Here's what I learned:

1. I'm not good at managing actual cash. It's dirty and I don't like it.

2. I like my whole life on one card.

3. Amazon will not send me my new yoga book and will send me an e-mail that my card has been reported stolen. Noted. I want my book! Cannot get it until new card arrives.

4. My phone bill also connected to that card will bounce back to me today as well as my car payment. Good times.

5. You sound like a complete liar telling companies, "My card was stolen. I have money. I swear." Might as well have just said, "I'm not payin it!"

6. I can't remember the last time I went into the store to pay for gas. Until today. And you still can, but people look at you weird.

Thank the LORD I loaded my Starbucks gold card last week. That's still safe. For now.

Blogs I Read

2011-09-02T09:08:00.003-04:00

People always ask me what blogs I read so I'm taking the easy way out of a post today and letting you know. I've recently cut my blog reading list in half (and deleted a ton of facebook and twitter people) to clean up my social media life a little bit.

Blogs that aren't updated regularly usually don't last on my list.

Yoga Blogs:

The Beginner's Mind http://blogs.yogajournal.com/beginnersmind/

Nectar http://blogs.yogajournal.com/nectar/

Top 5 Tuesdays http://blogs.yogajournal.com/topfive/

Yoga Buzz http://blogs.yogajournal.com/yogabuzz/

Yoga Diary http://blogs.yogajournal.com/yogadiary/

Yoga Emergence http://yogaemergence.blogspot.com/

Falling Open http://www.fallingopen.ca/yoga-philosophy-blog.html

Blogs/People of Faith:

Meredith Gould http://meredithgould.blogspot.com/

Elizabeth Esther http://www.elizabethesther.com/

Penny Nash http://penelopepiscopal.blogspot.com/

Katie Davis http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

The Virtual Abbey http://thevirtualabbey.blogspot.com/

Just for Fun:

In This Wonderful Life http://www.inthiswonderfullife.com/

Jenny B. Jones http://www.jennybjones.com/blog/

I do check out other blogs occasionally, but these I go to all the time. And I love finding new blogs so if there are a few you can't live without - let me know!

A Message from "God"

2011-09-01T17:04:00.004-04:00

If I didn't find spirituality so fascinating, I'd be stuck in the mindset of how obnoxious it is. Everyone is right. My church is the only one going to Heaven. You can't do that. You should do this. Pray like this. Believe like this. That way is wrong. Blah, blah, blah. I could go on forever about that.

Currently on top of my spiritual frustration is a conversation I had a few weeks ago. I am not against taking advice. Well meaning people who can present their case without arguing are welcome in my circle any day of the week. And we don't have to agree. But, you have to be a grown up about the conversation. And head's up, if I'm going to take advice from you, you already know me well enough not to ask if you can. Enough said.

So, some well meaning lady approached me. I haven't seen her in probably six months. She does not have a pulse on what's going on in my life. She knows nothing of my Spiritual life. And she proceeds to say, "Oh, I'm glad I ran into you. God told me to tell you. . . . . ." And she insisted on telling me what is wrong with me in a harsh, judgemental tone.

Overflowing with grace that day (lucky her), I smiled and walked away. She could carry on with her life pretending to be the messenger of the Almighty if she wanted to, but that wasn't from God. And I would know.

Here's what grates my nerves:

1. Messages from "God" do not invite communication. By being God's messenger the other person can't give an opinion without allegedly arguing with God. Unfair.

2. God does not speak to me in harsh, condescending or judgemental ways. Knowing me better than I do, He knows that won't change things. I'm motivated by love and holiness and gentle discipline from the heart. This lady was pushing me down on the playground and calling me names. Immature.

3. And probably my favorite reason? I'm standing right here! If God has something to say to me I'm listening with the purest heart I have and ears to hear. I'm not saying I could be missing something. I'm just saying I'm not THAT out of touch that He would have to give the message to a virtual stranger to get my attention.

By contrast, someone I respect greatly called the other night. We had a conversation about some things that are working and some things that aren't. She said, "Do you think maybe God is asking you to let some things go?" That resonated with my spirit. That lined up with what God has already been dropping into this heart. That made SENSE!

God is always speaking in all kinds of ways surrounding this life. I'm grateful for His presence and direction. I'm happy when I know a message is from Him through someone else, and thankful for discernment in the times it isn't.

Sugar Free times Three

2011-08-31T17:18:00.004-04:00

Three years ago today was the last time I had sugar. This includes all natural, processed and refined varieties of the poisonous bits. And it most definitely includes corn syrup. Have you seen those commercials? Make me nuts!

I also strictly limit aspartame, splenda and other artificial sweeteners. I gave up sugar initially for health reasons and as it turns out, that's reason enough. I used to get sick 4-5 times a year. I've had the flu once and one cold in the last three years. I find myself not on the sugar roller coaster of a buzz then collapsing. It was a great decision for this life.

Since people always ask, I'll tell you. I do use organic evaporated cane juice like what's found in Kashi and truvia/stevia. But that's it.

I can honestly say I never, ever crave it anymore. I have myself so brainwashed you would have to hold me down and force me to eat a cookie. Sugar is so bad for your immune system, weight gain, emotional stuff and overall quality of health.

I never try to make people leave sugar completely. It has to be a decision you're ready for and able to do cold turkey (imo). But, everyone can cut back sugar somewhere and be healthier. And PLEASE get rid of chemical sweeteners. Your cells will thank you.

Happy Three Year Sugar Free Anniversary to ME!

One of the best decisions I've ever made.

Yoga makes me want to throw up

2011-08-30T14:53:00.000-04:00

I started a yoga practice with a teacher. For 12 weeks I learned the basics of yoga, proper alignment of several poses, and how to breathe. Her wisdom was invaluable. In the last two months I've moved my yoga practice home. There aren't yoga classes where I live. The teacher options are limited at best. And even though I gained a lot from her, we quickly came to the end of what she could teach me.

So, I created sacred space in my home. I have a room dedicated to prayer, meditation, yoga, etc. I treat yoga like going to the gym and schedule time in the mornings and evenings. Generally I enjoy it, but lately not so much. I was fairly warned that the further I got into the practice, especially focusing on difficult areas, the harder it would be. Her exact words were "The issues will show up in the tissues."

It's like cheap therapy. And it makes me want to throw up. And I can't stop doing it.

Currently:

The Pigeon Pose makes me want to cry every single time.
The Camel Pose makes me nauseated.
The regular back bend makes me panicky.
Child's pose makes me nervous.

On a positive note:
Side Plank makes me feel like I can conquer the world even alone.
The warrior sequences are my favorite.
The Cobra pose makes me simultaneously happy and peaceful.

I love the book Yoga as Medicine by Timothy McCall. In it he says, "Yoga is strong medicine, but it is slow medicine. Don't expect overnight cures. Unlike most drugs or surgery, which often gradually diminish in effectiveness, yoga builds on itself, becoming more effective over time. And unlike other types of medicine, yoga can benefit the healthy as well as the sick."

I'm finding yoga is bringing up the healthy and the not so much parts of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. It's an interesting journey and if I had to guess I'd say it's not over.

But, so far, I haven't thrown up.

Closer

2011-08-28T16:48:00.003-04:00

Several years ago I walked through a season where Heaven seemed entirely too far away to be helpful. It grated my nerves when people would talk about "up there" or "in the heavens." Mars seemed closer. I don't want a God who is a bazillion miles away and unreachable by human means. Oh, yes, right, I know, the Holy Spirit dwells within. Got it. But, I want them all close by.

We miss something by lumping the trinity into one being. They are separate and at least my relationship with each part, individualized. In short - God the Father, Holiness, Jesus, Friend, Holy Spirit, Guidance and Peace.

So, during that season, I decided Heaven was not somewhere far above the clouds. Heaven was just another demention not seen with human eyes. Like putting on 3D glasses, they're right next to us all the time. We just can't see. They operate in another realm, but they're not far away.

Now before you diagnose me schizophrenic and lock me up, I don't think it's that weird. In fact, it's comforting. Maybe it's just me, but those moments when God feels closer than my next breath confirms my theory. Those times good and bad where my soul aches, I remember I'm connected to something so much bigger than me.

I need a God who can come to this life before another tear falls.

I need to know when my human eyes close for the last time on this Earth, the eyes of my soul will see Him, instantly, face to face. And I'll wonder why I never "saw" Him before.

In my ongoing quest to be completely honest with God, I've been praying about some big things this week. Hard things. Questions without obvious answers. One night last week I was rattling off the list of things I needed Him to do when I literally stopped mid sentence. And I prayed, "I don't really need any of those things. What I need is You to be closer."

And God appeared like a genie in a bottle and granted me three wishes. No, not really. But, I knew He was there and that He cared about all the things that concern me. He delights in answering my prayers in accordance with His perfect will. He's comfortable with my questions, understanding of my humanity, and patient with my determination.

He's a God who comes running when His children call and ask Him to come closer.

I Choose Him

2011-08-25T11:00:00.002-04:00

"May the beloved of the LORD dwell in security by Him,

who shields him all the day, and he dwells between His shoulders."

Deut. 33:12

The prayer on my heart this morning as I woke up was this. "God, I choose You above all else today." It almost took my breath away. Obviously it was from Him. It doesn't usually occur to me to make Him my everything until life has me pinned to the floor in a choke hold. So much comfort to this heart at that moment. All I have to be is His. I'm at the mercy sometimes of the rest of life, the waves that come and the events of the day, but I belong to Him.

So, today I choose Him above all else.

I choose Him over uncertainty.

I choose Him over discouragement.

I even choose Him over hope.

I choose Him over happiness.

I choose Him whether there's a choice to be made or not.

I choose Him. His ways. His kingdom. His plan. I'm committed to following that plan to the best that I am able. In this year, in this month, in the week, in this day. . . . . in this life.

One Call Away - A Book Review

2011-08-24T09:52:00.003-04:00

Brenda Warner, wife of famed football star Kurt Warner, steps to center stage to tell her own story in this compelling memoir. Her life is layered with hurt and happiness, pain and joy and the grace of God. She tells of her time as a marine, a nurse, being divorced and remarried, two miscarriages, a baby who suffered brain damage and blindness from a fall, her time on food stamps and the problems that evolve from too much money. She relates to people wherever they are. Her story is interesting, but dragged in a few places. The pictures are beautiful. Overall, it's a great read.

*For Thomas Nelson

Confess your sins just not to me

2011-08-23T13:47:00.003-04:00

I like to consider myself a person people can (and do!) talk to about anything. I was in the grocery store recently, just trying to buy some mangoes, when a lady came out of nowhere and told me her newly divorced, had an affair, now afraid God hates her, story. I looked down. Nope. I wasn't wearing my "Tell me all your secrets out loud!" T-Shirt. So, I listened. I'm not really that friendly. I never initiate conversations in public unless you're at Petsmart too with a cute puppy. Then we're BFF.

She hugged me and said, "Thank you so much." Ahh....sure! And she left. It was so surreal that I forgot my mangoes! Darn it!

I come from a church tradition that basically made fun of organized confession. Why say out loud what Jesus is perfectly capable of hearing from your prayer closet? Made sense to me because I didn't know any better. And I did. I confessed my sins, but never publicly. Not that I had big sins, but oh right, that doesn't matter.

Easter this past year was a bandage being ripped off my spiritual life so the healing could begin. I'm not sure that season will ever mean as much to me as it did this year. It seemed especially fitting that Easter was so late. I felt like I was experiencing every slow, painful, step to the cross. It was equally miserable and wonderful.

My church hears confessions at Easter. My first thought? Thanks, but no thanks. Then they just kept mentioning it until I finally agreed. That's a post for another day, but it was nothing and everything like I'd hoped.

This is the first season of my life in a church tradition that practices confession (in the pew) at every service. At first I found it a little much. Are we really saying all that on Sunday AND Wednesday? How much sin could I really have accumulated in 3 days? (OUCH! Was that the Holy Spirit kicking me in the head? Yes, yes it was). Now I'm not really sure what I did without it. I so look forward to those quiet repentant moments. It helps me keep short accounts and continually restores my relationship with God.

And it's so powerful. There's something so humbling about kneeling with 100 other people and repeating the same confession. There's something freeing about saying out loud, "I have sinned." Not, "Hey, God do you know what THEY did?" but, "I have sinned. . . .in what I've done and what I've failed to do." I probably need that reminder more than twice a week.

I take my confessions to God, once a year to the leadership of my church, and occasionally out loud to those I trust the most to speak truth into this life. It makes me feel crazy vulnerable, but even more free. We learn through confession that frailty is the great equalizer of the human condition.

The truth will set you free. In church, in your prayer closet, at Starbucks with a friend, and maybe even in the produce isle at Publix.

My Top 10 Secrets of Serenity

2011-08-20T22:30:00.005-04:00

One day last week, I walked into work at the store just in time to see the cutest three year old with ringlet curls throwing a major fit. I'm talking all out on the floor, dress over her head, screaming at the top of her lungs, complete with fake tears, fit.

The mother looked at me like, "Don't judge me." I wasn't. Looked perfectly reasonable to me. She knelt by her kicking side and said, "Honey? What is it?"

She whimpered. Sat up with hair everywhere and a huge crooked pink bow and said, "Nothing. And everything!"

I laughed because, perhaps for totally different reasons, I felt exactly the same way. I may not have been throwing myself on the floor. My hair may have been hot ironed into submission. But, I got it - nothing, and everything. Pretty wise, kid.

The topic of how to find serenity keeps coming up. It's always amusing that people ask me. How would I know?? Peace does not come naturally to this life, but I will say it's far easier to find than it was several years ago.

I go into "fix it" mode when things don't feel right. Sometimes it's a big something. Sometimes it's just an off week. Sometimes I can pin point why I feel kind of yucky and sometimes I can't. Either way, I keep having this same conversation, so, these are the things that I find helpful.

1. Extra sleep. Sometimes the best thing for a busy brain is to shut it off. Medicate if necessary.

2. Eating well. During weird seasons I eat nothing fried, very few carbs, easily digestible food. I have a note on my refrigerator that says, "Eat kind" to help me remember. I find making soup from scratch, even in 90 degree weather, very therapeutic.

3. Forward motion. Feeling stuck, well, sucks. So, I make myself walk. Sometimes far, sometimes not, but at least a little bit every day. There's something wonderful psychologically about putting one foot in front of the other, even if you don't feel like it.

4. Music. I surround myself with my favorite music and keep it playing wherever I am.

5. Prayer. Sometimes the season of "nothing and everything" is wrong is a hard place for prayer. Silent prayer is a great practice, but, if you need words, I love the New Zealand book of prayers. I also have the Psalms on my iPod and listen to them a lot while I sleep.

6. Breathing/Yoga. The stressful seasons invite short, shallow, frantic breaths. Deep breathing is intentional and a natural stress reliever. I combine breathing techniques with my yoga practice early in the morning and in the evening.

7. Comfy clothes. Maybe this one seems a little ridiculous, but I'm a big believer that soft fabrics and comfy clothes invite a nurturing feeling of security. I sometimes barely get in the door at night before I've traded heels and work clothes for yoga pants and my favorite t-shirt that's crazy soft.

8. Creativity. Sometimes I just need my mind to do something else for awhile. Currently, I'm halfway through decoupaging a huge bookcase.

9. Space. I'm fortunate to have an entire room of my house devoted to serenity. It only has a bookcase, yoga mats, my favorite chair, peaceful music, and candles. It's my favorite place. If you don't have a whole room to devote, make a corner, a closet, whatever, a haven where you can just be for awhile.

10. Sharing. Sometimes the same stuff circles around in the same mind until it's just exhausting. And although I don't advocate telling everyone everything, it's healthy to have a few friends who will listen to you ugly cry, call you out when you really should just get over it, and resume all normal parameters of friendship the next day without making you feel stupid. I have a ton of people who surround this life, but honestly only about one, at the most two who I include in seasons of tears, confusion and frustration. My opinion? Fair weather only community of any kind isn't true community.

To some extent, I practice all of these in one way or another all the time. They help me find and maintain peace. And, most of the time, they keep me from throwing a royal fit when nothing and everything is wrong.

Come to Me

2011-08-18T11:52:00.002-04:00

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

I believe when God promised to be with us always, He absolutely meant it. I believe in a spiritual sense, He never leaves our sides and never turns His eyes away.

But, I hate those dark nights when everything I stood on in the good times is crumbling at my feet. It's like Bible verses I memorized come screaming back to mind, mocking my doubting, faithless existence. Yesterday, the verse Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever raced through my mind. It may or may not have sounded snarky in my head. Goodness? HA! Mercy? Sign me up for more of that.

It was a perfectly explainable bad night brought on by a whole bunch of craziness. The details aren't important and the reasons seem a little dumb post high speed come apart. I feel sure somewhere in my soul God was trying to whisper, "Come to Me," while I, kicking and screaming, wondered, "Where are You!?!"

Arguing with the Almighty. One of my many spiritual gifts.

My favorite characteristic about God is, He doesn't hold a grudge. This morning I woke up and did what I should have done last night. I went to Him. I poured out all the confusion and frustration on the One who not only can handle it, He asks for it. Two hours later I believed the nudging, "Peace Be Still." Are the uncertainties miraculously solved? Noooooooo. Do all my questions now have answers? Nope. Am I in a much better place to face the path today? Yes.

Thankful today that even when life is messy, even when tears won't stop, even when spiritual perfection is nowhere near attainable, He still says.....

"Come to Me."

Women of Faith IMAGINE Weekend!

2011-08-17T11:49:00.006-04:00

A huge thank you to @ThomasNelson and @booksneeze for sending me to @womenoffaith last weekend to witness their latest conference, Imagine. Based off Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine.
Laura Story is in the spotlight lately with her latest CD, Blessings. She is a worship leader at Perimeter church in Atlanta and so gifted. I believe that the greatest work comes out of broken places, and walking through a brain tumor with her husband has deepened her faith and her music.
Steve Arterburn is the president of New Life Ministries and founder of Women of Faith. He spoke several times Friday offering great insight into the human condition with compassion and humor.
Sheila Walsh has been one of my favorite people since she released her book Honestly several years ago. I have a special appreciation for people who are diagnosed with clinical depression, still on medication, have a history of suicidal thoughts, have been admitted to a mental hospital, and now have arrived in the place God has been calling them to all along. Sheila Walsh is honest and hilarious. My favorite quote from the weekend was by her, "You aren't responsible to get yourself Home."
Natalie Grant is an award winning Christian musician and the mom of three girls. Her voice is heaven sent and her lyrics inspiring. My favorite Natalie Grant song includes this quote, "But the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."
Mary Mary is the gospel addition to The Women of Faith team. I'm not as familiar with their music, but they were good.
Luci Swindoll is 78 years old, but you won't find that out by looking at her. She's the sister of Charles Swindoll and can hold her own next to his fabulous Bible teaching. She has a rich life story deepened by her love of God and His people.
Lisa Harper is so funny. I may just have a crazy love for her because she is hilarious, beautiful, loves God with everything and isn't married. Proving (again) that you actually can be single and living out God's plan for your life. She's inspiring and personal. Her book Stumbling Into Grace was life changing for me. Definitely the best thing to happen to Women of Faith in a long time.
Angie Smith is known as being the wife of lead singer Todd Smith of the group Selah. But, she can also hold her own. She told her heartbreaking story of losing their daughter soon after birth and gently recalled how God had been there every step of the way. She's the newest addition to Women of Faith and I found her unpolished speaking very refreshing.

It was a great weekend and it's not too late to join Women of Faith in an arena near you. Do your faith a favor and register here today!

Fear

2011-08-16T10:42:00.002-04:00

My dog Shine is a rescue pup. She has a torn meniscus in her knee thanks to being kicked by her previous "owner." She had heart worms when she arrived at Hotel Brenda. She was scared to death of everything, but her eyes radiated a glow that spoke to me, "I want to love you, but I'm so afraid."

We set to work making her feel at home. My other two dogs quickly gave her the message, "Look. Nothing you can do is going to make her hurt you. Go ahead, pee on the floor. She'll look at you and say NO, but she won't hurt you." It took awhile, but Shine eventually got the message - she was safe here.

It's weird though how fear will creep back in when you least expect it. Last night I was taking a shower and Shine was fast asleep beside the tub. I was laughing at her because she was howling and moving her feet air running. I reached out to get a washcloth and a drop of water fell on her head.

She froze. The worst sound I've ever heard came from her soul. The best I can describe it is fear, panic and desperation mixed into a tiny painful sound. She covered her head with a paw and tried to get all 70 pounds of her into a ball. Meanwhile I'm saying, "Shine. It's okay. It's me. I love you." She didn't open her eyes long enough to see.

So, I did what I had to do. I climbed out of the shower soaking wet with conditioner still in my hair, grabbed a towel, and sat beside her on the floor. I physically opened her eyes and said, "Hi friend." She melted as her breathing slowed. I pulled her into my lap and held her for at least 30 minutes. Honestly, my hair needed the extra conditioning anyway.

But, as I went to sleep last night I realized I'm exactly in that place with the Lord. Old fears have crept in lately and are leaving me spiritually paralyzed. I understand that place of waiting for the drop of water to fall and then freaking out completely. I'm not so good at putting on a great spiritual front. I've found it's more helpful to just be there, wherever that is at the moment. Settle in and dig deep. I try to lean hard on what I know to be true. At the end of the day, I believe in a God bigger than my fears.

And sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is pray, "I want to love You and trust You with all of me, but I'm so afraid."

And I feel His sweet peace open the eyes of my soul and whisper, "Hi friend. It's okay. It's Me. I love you."

Don't Check Your Brains at the Door - Book Review

2011-08-15T16:51:00.003-04:00

It's fair to say that everyone interested in faith has questions. Josh McDowell and Bob Hostetler's latest book Don't Check Your Brains at the Door is an answer book for teens. Loaded with information about false religions and what to do with your faith, it would be invaluable for youth workers in a church setting who get a lot of questions.

I will say it's very traditional. It's also very surface level. I don't think this book is enough on it's own. It's good information and teens especially could benefit from it. It's okay.

*For Thomas Nelson

What I'm Reading This Week

2011-08-15T12:40:00.002-04:00

What are YOU reading?

The Bone House - A Book Review

2011-08-14T11:17:00.003-04:00

True story-I'm not a science fiction fan. I have no intention of imagining other worlds when I have enough trouble with the one I inhabit. I love Narnia, but after that my sci-fi love decreases to zero. The Bone House is the second book in the Skin Map series. I didn't read the first one, but found the introduction helpful in explaining lead characters and scenerios. The recap is perfect and brought me right up to speed to where this book continues. It has a TON of characters. I debated keeping a list at several points mainly because I wasn't familiar with their role in book one. It's incredibly detailed and an interesting story if you're into science fiction. If you're not, I'd skip it. The audience is definitely limited, but the writing is good and so is the story. Appropriate for teens and up.

*For Thomas Nelson

God's Love Letters to You

2011-08-11T20:39:00.002-04:00

The message of God's love has been coming at this life from every angle in recent days. It's a sweet season of remembering that nothing I do or don't do changes the way I'm viewed from eternity's perspective. He loves me. Period. Larry Crabb presents this devotional in a 40 day format drawing from his recent book 66 Love Letters. It's a great devotional. Short. Easy to read. Interesting. I read it straight through and loved reading it like that. I'm planning to go back and actually spend 40 days with it soon. Beautiful. It reminds me a little bit of Jesus Calling (my all time favorite). It would make a great gift for someone who is struggling.

*For Thomas Nelson

Thankful Thursday

2011-08-11T10:19:00.004-04:00

The same God who said at the dawn of creation,

still whispers to the dark places of my life,

"Let There Be Light."

"Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord rises upon you."

Isaiah 60:1

Smack Dab - A Book Review

2011-08-10T13:18:00.002-04:00

To say Brennen Manning has changed my spiritual life for the better over the years is the understatement of the century. I have a tear soaked copy of Abba's Child that stays by my bed. I related in more ways that I would have liked to when I read The Ragamuffin Gospel. He's one of the few authors I can honestly say I love everything he's written.

What a gift that he has co-authored a children's book! This book is beautiful. The artwork is bright and all the children look so happy. I find, even as an adult, God's love and judgement difficult to balance. Sometimes I need to take myself less seriously and just remember, He loves me.

Some of my favorite lines:

"He strolled along at a pace that old dogs and little children seemed to like."

"Ana looked at them lovingly and said, 'Every good thing comes from smack-dab in the middle of Abba's heart.'" AMEN to that.

Manning's books have always left me feeling loved by God and this book is no exception.

Get it for the kids you love and while you're at it, get it for you.

*For Thomas Nelson

A Place Called Blessing - A Book Review

2011-08-10T11:56:00.003-04:00

I needed to go to bed last night before midnight so I shouldn't have started this book. I read it for hours straight through. Where hurting ends and love begins is the perfect subtitle. It's fiction. And it isn't. Telling the story of Josh, a child who made a mistake at age 6 and was forever labeled in the foster system as unlovable. When he meets Anna and Mike, he doesn't know what to do with their friendship and love. They insist on meeting him time and again with unconditional love. This book was like coming home and a great reminder to love everyone with the love of Christ no matter how they initially present themselves. Beautiful book.

*For Thomas Nelson

Living the Liturgy - Playing Monk

2011-08-10T11:22:00.006-04:00

Living the Liturgy Part One

Living the Liturgy Part Two

Arriving at The Abbey of Gethsemani felt like a giant wave of peace perfectly mixed with a panic attack. Something in my soul whispered as I passed through the gates, "Be careful. You'll never be the same from here." I couldn't explain it then, and I still can't completely, but it was true.

I checked into my room at the retreat house, sat on the bed and thought, "now what?" One certainly does not go to an Abbey to be entertained. I left to wander around.

I came to these gates, sat on the ground, leaned against the chapel and willed myself to be right there in that moment. God Alone. I prayed, "God. It's you alone who brought me to this place. I don't understand why and I'm a little freaked out, but I'm here trusting there's a reason. Speak to me in these days. Make room in my heart. Move everything else until my life is Yours alone. I surrender to You even if it makes no sense to me."

I walked into the visitor center where a monk warmly greeted me and offered a schedule. He didn't seem weird. He was the most genuine person I had ever encountered. We spoke for a few minutes about what brought me to the Abbey and what I wanted to find there. He said, "Praying that all your searching finds answers in God alone." Chills. I thanked him and he said, "Well, it's getting late. Better get to prayer. I'll walk with you." Getting late? I looked at my watch. It was 6:00 p.m.

I honestly had never encountered The Daily Office. I had never heard anyone in 20 years chant a prayer of any kind. It was quiet. Very quiet. The ceilings were high. Very high. And it was breathtakingly beautiful. I took my seat with other retreat like people who did not seem nervous. So, I decided I wouldn't be either.

I spent the next 20 minutes mesmerized. Monks came in laughing and talking, but once they took their seats, palpable reverence echoed through the walls. The lights went down and my heart was racing. No doubt. God was there.

Every word seemed to plant itself firmly in my heart. Hyper focused, I couldn't listen hard enough. I was thankful for the darkness. It wasn't long before tears were streaming down my face. What was this beautiful mix of words ushering my soul into the throne room of God? I knew it was ancient, but it made me feel brand new.

. . .To Be Continued

Living the Liturgy - What Was I Doing?

2011-08-09T15:33:00.002-04:00

Living the Liturgy - Part One

After learning about the Abbey of Gethsemani, I tried to ignore it for a few weeks. It didn't make any sense. Why would I go to a monastery? I'm not Catholic. I don't like quiet. Oh, and I'm a GIRL! But, the feeling persisted until I finally looked up and said, "FINE." God must delight in my immediate obedience.

I called to schedule an hour visit and the monk on the phone wisely asked, "Do you think an hour will quench your curiosity?" Busted. "Try a weekend." He suggested I stay at the Merton Institute about a mile down the road, but said they typically have a 6 month waiting list. (YES!). Feeling pretty confident, I called the Institute to schedule a weekend in the fall sure I could come up with a reason to cancel before then.

The lady on the phone said, "Oh, it must be meant to be! I just had a cancellation! Can you come tomorrow?"

I flipped my calendar to the next day and saw I was completely free. Big sigh.

"Ok."

"Great! We will see you tomorrow!! Come early and stay late, ok?" I found her chipper personality a bit unsettling. Weren't they supposed to be calm?

I reached for my suitcase and stopped. I didn't even know what to wear to a monastery. What was I doing?

.....To Be Continued

It Couldn't Just Happen - A Book Review

2011-08-09T13:01:00.003-04:00

In my opinion, evolution is totally bunk. Okay, maybe not totally, but if we're taking a poll, then for the next upgrade can we get rid of cellulite? That would be great. Lawrence Richards is renowned for providing wonderful information on all levels. The book It Couldn't Just Happen is targeted toward children to help explain creation. I'd suggest it's valuable for any age. Bright colors and interesting topics invite you to turn the page. The little "Just for Fun" sections invite readers to explore the information further. This book and the series would be excellent additions to a home school curriculum. Great book!

*For Thomas Nelson

Cherished - A Book Review

2011-08-09T11:22:00.005-04:00

I love the escape of fiction. It's helpful for me to mix preferably hilarious fiction with serious books on a regular basis. I do not limit any of my reading to the Christian market, although religious fiction has improved considerably in recent years. Kim Cash Tate returns with her second work with Cherished. This is the story of two very different women coming together to forge a friendship out of uncertainty. Identifying with the characters was easy and the story was interesting. Kim's future is bright in the world of fiction and this title is proof. Enjoy this book and then go back and pick up her first novel Faithful.

*For Thomas Nelson

Living the Liturgy

2011-08-08T11:11:00.006-04:00

Today I'm beginning a series on Living the Liturgy. As someone relatively new to the liturgical tradition, I want to remember it's meaning from the very beginning. I don't want to forget how it grabbed my soul and refused to let go from the first "The Lord be with you."

I didn't mean to fall in love with the liturgical tradition. I grew up Baptist, attended a Methodist University, went to the Methodist church (twice), the Christian Church and the Charismatic church somewhat regularly during my four year stay in Wilmore, Kentucky.

My Junior year, I needed a credit to fulfill an elective and let's face it, it wasn't going to be racquetball. Having heard good things about the "Study the Bible" class including no homework, a teacher who loved the Lord on a personal, not just academic level, and simple tests, I said, "sign me up!"

The professor radiated Christ. She believed and accepted the Gospel, but more than that, she loved the Author in ways that made me leave class thinking, "I want to know Jesus like that."

She mentioned one day loving The Abbey of Gethsemani, a monastery not far from Asbury where she had taken several retreats.

You know those moments in life when you hear something and your soul stands up, raises it's hand, and said, "I'm RIGHT here!!!" Very bizarre. I don't remember ever thinking about a monastery before that moment, but suddenly I had to know more about it. I left class that day thinking, "I have to go there. Soon." '

And I did.

To Be Continued. . . .

What I'm Reading This Week

2011-08-07T11:37:00.001-04:00

Happy Reading!

Stained Glass Hearts - A Book Review

2011-08-07T11:19:00.002-04:00

I tend to take reading (and everything else) a bit too seriously so I'm always thankful when a book like this one falls into my life. Stained Glass Hearts by women of faith speaker Patsy Clairmont is like a breath of fresh air. Her writing is like reading an e-mail from a great friend hoping for lots more reply backs to the conversation. It's not my preferred type of book, but her honesty was so good for my soul. Here's a few of my favorite parts.

I was reminded that all God's people have glass hearts. Even dads. We aren't alone in our fragile design.

The trip toward stability took me through jungles of emotions, pits of despair, ledges of fear, deserts of loneliness, wind shears of relationship, and white churning waves of anger.

And we need the help of others on the journey, those who have and are working on their own stuff. We weren't meant to recover alone.

I knew whenever I needed to talk, she would listen; and when I needed input she would gently advise. A trusted friend who is tracking with you in her availability and her prayers is a stabilizing force.

There's no doubt about it: prayers and people matter.

The quiet gives me opportunity to sort myself out in God's presence. That's when I stop any pretending and excusing. The stillness gives me space for confession and petitions. I open the stained glass window of my soul. My heart finds centered-ness in God's grace.

Amen.

*For Thomas Nelson

Love You More - A Book Review

2011-08-05T10:31:00.001-04:00

To be fair, I'm not adopting a child so this book technically isn't for me. I agreed to read it anyway because I have several friends who have children from other countries and I think adoption is just plain wonderful. This book started out okay, but it got really long in the middle. I wanted to read about her story and it's in there. It's just intermingled with a lot of other stuff that does and doesn't fit. It's choppy in several places. I like the concept of the book and I think the title is sweet. But, there are better books readily available on the topic that are much better.

*For Thomas Nelson

Peace Be With You - A Book Review

2011-08-05T10:12:00.002-04:00

Do you love a book that you want to stay up all night to finish? Me too. Peace Be With You by David Carlson may not look like a suspense novel, but I couldn't wait to turn the page. Admittedly, I love the monastic tradition. My spiritual life has been turned upside down by visits to these sacred spaces.

This book is timely. Monastic wisdom for a terror filled world? Yes. And Amen.

I love the basis of the book. "I consequently began this project with only two questions in mind. First, how did monks, nuns, and retreatants respond when first learning of 9/11? And second, how have they continued to respond to our world of violence and terror, given their spiritual resources and training?"

I could honestly just quote the whole book. It's that good. It's made me think about what it means to love my enemies and how it looks for a Christian to respond to hatred in our world today. It refueled my love for monastic traditions and the appreciation I have for those surrendering their very lives to people of prayer and peace.

*For Thomas Nelson

With - A Book Review

2011-08-02T12:58:00.002-04:00

With (great title) by Skye Jethani, the editor of Leadership Journal, is a book about discovering how we relate to God. He spends a chapter each discussing what it means to live 1. Life over God, 2. Life under God, 3. Life from God, 4. Life for God, 5. Life with God.

1. Life Under God. The life under God approach is doomed to fail. As much as we might want to control God, history has proven that He is notoriously uncooperative.

2. Life Over God. Life over God effectively cuts out the middleman and gives us direct control over our lives.

3. Life From God. God exists to supply what we need. We value what God can do for us but not God himself.

4. Life for God. God's gifts are a blessing and his work is important, but neither can or should replace God himself as our focus.

5. Life with God. Life with God is different because it's goal is not to use God; it's goal is God.

It's a great book and made me think so much about my relationship with God. I think it's fair to say we all find ourselves in all of these places in our lives. It was a great reminder that we serve a relational God who wants to be with us, too.

*For Thomas Nelson

What I'm Reading This Week

2011-07-31T00:48:00.003-04:00

People ask me all the time, "What are you reading?" Contrary to popular belief, I do a few other things with my life, but I love to read. Most of what shows up on this blog are reviews for Thomas Nelson, but I read a lot of other books. I like Christian, spiritual, monastic books and I equally love books that have nothing to do with any of those. I'm going to start posting on Sundays what I'm reading in the week ahead. So, this week I'm reading....... An advanced copy of With by Skye Jethani releasing in a few weeks

Peace Be With You - Monastic Wisdom For a Terror Filled World by David Carlson

And Downward Dog Upward Fog by Meryl Landau - A Yoga Novel

Happy Reading!

Fall Book Club Announcement!

2011-07-29T16:44:00.002-04:00

LOCAL FRIENDS!!

FALL BOOK CLUB ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!

Our fall book club is scheduled to start September 6th from 10-11 a.m. at the store. We will be reading Lisa Harper's latest, Stumbling Into Grace. Come register to receive 20% off the book!

Enrollment is limited so don't wait! Sign up today!

Please be prepared to discuss the first five chapters at our first meeting.

You can check out my review of the book here:http://brendakeller.blogspot.com/2011/04/stumbling-into-grace-book-review.html

Please contact Brenda with any questions

By E-mail at brenda@valdosta.parable.com

Or By phone 229-247-5262

Or just stop by!

We look forward to reading with you soon!

****This will not be an on-line book club. Just in store.****

Fresh-brewed Life - A Book Review

2011-07-28T14:17:00.002-04:00

Nicole Johnson is the dramatist for Women of Faith. Fresh-Brewed Life is a version of her previous book that has been revised and expanded. I read this book back in college (I'm a sucker for religious books WITH coffee on the cover-what can I say?). It's a transparent, real book. The first edition focused more on her first marriage and a lot of that has been removed for this one. She is now remarried with two small children, but I think at least some of the previous content should have stayed. The discussion questions at the end of each chapter are not cheesy like most. They provide the opportunity for deeper insight and examination. It's a good book for women.

*For Thomas Nelson

Journals and Letters and Memories - Oh My!

2011-07-27T16:23:00.004-04:00

I've been transferring years of journals to Evernote, a great online program that safely stores information. A lot of what I've written I plan to use some day. And a lot of it represents various rants on topics I wouldn't discuss with most people. I'm planning on being around awhile, but in the event that doesn't happen, I don't want people reading all of that! I want to be perfected in death as is customary.

So, I've been coming across some interesting memories along the way. I remembered why I hated junior high school and why you couldn't pay me to go back to high school. I remembered how many deep thoughts surfaced in four years of college. Self discovery is pretty amazing.

And I marveled at the journey of the last 10 years. Great times, hard times, life times. People who appear frequently in some journals have long since moved on. Some have stayed. Some relationships have changed. Some had to go. People have been added and changed. The life continuum.

I came across this card that took my breath away. I wish it was dated. My dad died 4 years ago, but our relationship was over long before that. Divorce is messy. Distance is hard. Sometimes blood doesn't mean you get along (ever read the Old Testament?). I read this card like it was from a stranger. I don't remember him like this, casually talking about vacations and school happenings.

I forgot that he liked to write and sent lots of cards. I only have a few.

I found this line kind of interesting. "My ear and door are always open!' Underlined for effect. And you've GOT to be kidding me. Surely I didn't believe that even then. Our court mandated Sunday evening phone chat consisted of about 20 words and a prayer that age 18 would hurry. I'd like to be kind and say it was both of our faults, but I don't believe eight year old children are responsible for maintaining a relationship.

None the less, God showed up early in the journals.

I watched as He wove a tapestry of grace along those pages. Even in the, "Where are You?" entries, He was there handwriting a perfect script of this, His story. I'm honored to be even a small part.

So, journals from 20 years have been scanned, labeled, divided and are now searchable. And are under password lock and key. Someone suggested I give someone the password. Someone who knows me better suggested definitely not. As for the physical journals? It makes me a little sad to see them go.

But, this card, I think I'll keep.

Surprised by Oxford - A Book Review

2011-07-27T09:53:00.003-04:00

This is a memoir by Carolyn Weber telling her journey of graduate studies at Oxford University. It's broken into the three terms established by the liturgical calendar. It's a good book, well researched, applicable quotes and an interesting journey. The only downside? It's ridiculously too long. Like at least 100 pages could be easily eliminated and the story would be better. After the first half, it just drags on forever. It's still good. It's just too long. Also, the language is somewhat offensive.

I did appreciate her intense documentation about her spiritual journey from Agnostic to Believer. I loved this example. "What happens if you turn from one, but can't fully turn to the other? Tell me. Is there a word for being eternally, pathetically, insurmountably stuck?" I paused, searching for the right words, the words that would convey exactly how my soul ached but could not quite leap. They were evading me. The entire table sat still. "Tell me," I finally got out, grappling for a light switch in the dark. "Is there a word for wanting to forget this God and Jesus and the whole mess? For wanting to forget it all?" I pinned him with my eyes.

"Despair," he reminded me, draining his glass.

And this one. "You had better think through God if you're going to stay in one piece. I've had colleagues try to sidestep God, but that only cracks them apart even further in the long run."

And, of course, I love an epilogue entitled, Believe Wisely. Amen to that.

Again, it's a great book, a great journey and a well documented story. It's just too long.

*For Thomas Nelson

Healing Hearts - A Book Review

2011-07-26T10:20:00.002-04:00

I'm not a huge Amish fiction fan, but I do like Beth Wiseman. This is a 3 novella collection including A Choice To Forgive, A Change of Heart, and Healing Hearts. The stories are somewhat predictable, but that is improved by rich character development and interesting story lines. It's a believable escape into the Amish culture and I enjoyed it.

*For Thomas Nelson

That I Might Not Sin Against You

2011-07-25T16:20:00.002-04:00

Praying today...

That my actions and reactions would resemble Your behavior.

That I would take responsibility for this temple like it belongs to You.

That I would nurture truth in my life and those surrounding it.

That the grace given to me would be extended freely to others.

That I would live like one forgiven.

That peace would reach to every corner of my heart.

That while I'm alive I would live.

That I would find You uncompromisingly trustworthy.

That I would serve You faithfully.

That I might not sin against You.

When Depression Wins

2011-07-24T21:07:00.004-04:00

I've dealt with diagnosed depression in my own life for at least 10 years and have blogged extensively about it. The battle against depression has been gentle and brutal and not much in between. Some seasons are better than others, but it's forever present.

I guess I thought in order to win against depression it had to be all gone. I couldn't just go a day, week or month without a high speed come apart. I had to stay perfectly balanced for the rest of my earthly life to be the champion. So, when I had a bad day without a good reason or cried myself to sleep because I felt like it, I assumed depression was back and I was losing.

It's not true.

I've realized in recent weeks that in order to survive, I have to let depression win. I suppose it's possible that at some point in my life depression will be completely gone. It's not likely. My estimated life span is significantly longer than most meds will be beneficial. I am creative and an over-thinker - double whammy in the depression department.

At the risk of sounding like a life affirmation guru - I've surrendered to depression, acknowledging that if it's going to be around we might as well try to get along.

I'm doing my part. I've done a complete life makeover in the last year. I've incorporated all the peace I can possibly manage. I've added a twice a day yoga practice, jogging, meditation, lots of prayer, scripture, and extra rest. I've eliminated things (and people!) that stress me out and offer nothing in return. I've joined a community of believers in a church that speaks life to the corners of my soul in this season. And I've nurtured relationships with friends that don't need lots of explanation.

And maybe, most importantly, I've granted myself the grace to believe that just because depression wins, doesn't mean I lose. It means we co-exist without constant strife. It means sometimes it's okay to not be okay......and that's okay. It means reminding myself that feelings pass and sitting with them is fine.

I'm not spending energy these days trying to make depression "go away." I'm absorbing the lessons it has come to offer and using them for good.

God has used depression in amazing ways in this one little life. It's made me better. It's made me stronger. And it's made me fall into total dependence on the grace I need. And for that, I'm thankful.

Why is There a Menorah on the Altar? - A Book Reivew

2011-07-21T13:29:00.002-04:00

My general opinion about all things religious and especially denominational is, "Can't we all just get along?" Finally, a book that proves we can and we should because historically our roots are the same.

The first half of the book delves into scripture capturing insights that will benefit the new believer and devoted follower alike. Clear instructions on how to read and interpret scripture lay the groundwork for a wealth of passages that will keep you thinking long after the final page. Woven throughout is God's presence in the lives of His people from long ago that continues on in the lives of those who believe.

The other half of the book zeros in on the sacraments of baptism, communion and confirmation. The reason I'm doing something is important and this book answered a ton of questions for me. I highlighted, took notes, and had a few "aha!" moments. Sitting in church just last night I found myself thinking, "So, that's why they do that!"

There are enough humorous and personal examples by the author to keep the reader entertained and interested in some heavy reading material. It's perfectly balanced.

This is an important book. You will benefit from the quality research and deep insights no matter what church you call home.

Women of Faith

2011-07-20T12:08:00.004-04:00

August 12th and 13th I will be tweeting and blogging LIVE from the Women of Faith Imagine tour in Atlanta, GA for Thomas Nelson. You can follow my tweets that weekend from my personal account @BrendaAKeller or at the store @pottershouseinc

The Lineup includes:

-Sheila Walsh

-Luci Swindoll

-Lisa Harper

-Angie Smith

-Mary Mary

-Natalie Grant

-Nicole Johnson

-Steve Arterburn

-Laura Story

Looking forward to a weekend with great friends in a great city worshipping God with Women of Faith!

Water's Edge - A Book Review

2011-07-19T16:52:00.003-04:00

Robert Whitlow does it again with his latest offering, Water's Edge. As a former John Grisham fan it is so refreshing to find in the Christian market someone who is comparable.

The book tells the story of Tom Crane, a young lawyer from Atlanta on the fast track to success. Expecting a promotion, he instead finds himself unemployed and on the way to Bethel to settle his deceased father's affairs. The story twists and turns and finds resolution in the journey.

This is a stand alone book and perfect for teen's to adults. Whitlow captures attention from the first page and it just gets better from there.

*For Thomas Nelson

Christian Encounters J.R.R. Tolkien A Book Review

2011-07-19T16:14:00.002-04:00

The Christian Encounters Series by Thomas Nelson has been a great addition to my spiritual library. They're short, informative, and interesting. The facts are solid but not educationally burdensome. Emphasis is placed on the human side of the subjects leaving the reader with a great appreciation for their lives and accomplishments.

I didn't know that much about Tolkien before reading this book. I'm not a lord of the rings fan. I do like The Hobbit. I loved the stories peppered throughout this book that were often amusing.

I appreciated how his experiences in the time of World War I shaped the rest of his life.

I also loved reading more about his integrity as an author. He sought to write books telling stories that would stand the test of time. Quality over quantity seemed to be his lifetime motto.

I left this book respecting him as an author and even more as a human being.

*For Thomas Nelson

Faith Discoveries

2011-07-18T15:48:00.001-04:00

Hope

Closer to Home

2011-07-16T16:38:00.004-04:00

Honestly I wasn't paying much attention in church Wednesday night. I heard the music and knew it was time for communion, but running through my head was, "I need to go to the store after this. And Target. And Petsmart. Do I have enough time? What time is it?" I stood up looking at the clock and about ran into the lady in front of me.

Yikes. I, thankfully, collected myself right before face planting into her paisley sweater. She turned around and smiled hopefully unaware that I had just about taken her out. I smiled, too. She had perfect hair, ruffled only slightly by the oxygen tubing tucked behind her ear.

She made her way to the altar slowly, but intentionally. I stayed behind wanting to see that moment as she did. She had to be at least 85. How many times in 85 years had she walked this path to the table of the Lord?

We knelt at the altar beside one other, a half a century apart in age, but common in purpose.

I take the time for confession before communion quietly in my pew. I take the service seriously and believe in it's importance. But, as one who is always onto the next thing, my brain tends to think, "Bread-body, Blood-Wine, dip, amen, go."

I tried not to stare, but I feel certain I did. "The Body." She took it into her hand like she was touching the Hope Diamond. Carefully folding her arthritic fingers around the wafer she pulled it to her chest and whispered, "Thank you." The officiant serving the communion nodded, but she wasn't thanking him.

"The Blood." Her hand shook as she sipped from the cup and a tear fell to the floor beside her. She closed her eyes and smiled like she was seeing things reserved for those who are closer to home.

Mesmerized by her reverence, I realized I was still holding my communion. I helped her stand up as she headed back to her pew and I stayed where I was longer than normal. I took the body and blood willing it's precious representation to soak into the core of my being.

And I prayed that my life would matter for eternity as I'm one more day closer to Home.

Sweet Sanctuary - A Book Review

2011-07-14T10:17:00.004-04:00

I'm a huge Sheila Walsh fan. Her book Honestly probably saved my life at least once. She reaches the hearts of women in ways I can't describe. She understands heartache, depression, loss because she's been there. This is her second fiction book and I have to say I prefer her writing in a different realm. The story is okay. The writing is okay. It's an okay book. It's not great and it's certainly not Sheila Walsh standard. Personally, I think she should have stayed with Gigi for children and books and Bible studies for women. She shines in that connection and that doesn't come through clearly in her fiction works.

*For Thomas Nelson

Into Newness of Life

2011-07-13T10:41:00.004-04:00

Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into

Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death?

Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death,

so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father,

so we too might walk in newness of life.

Romans 6

I'm not one who typically celebrates the anniversary of my baptism, but this year it just felt like the thing to do. One, I now go to a church that acknowledges the day, but also the phrase, "Walk in newness of life," has been circulating around my heart for the past several months.

So last week in the middle of my regularly scheduled existence, I remembered that 22 years ago on July 9th I made a profession of faith with the sacrament of baptism in a family friend's pool. It counts.

I can't be sure what my 9 year old self thought about God at that moment. I certainly did not understand fully what it meant to die in Christ and be raised to newness of life. Do I even understand that enough now? Probably not.

I always compare baptism to marriage in that you're standing there hoping you can keep your promises, but the best you can offer at that moment is your profession.

"I promise to love You always." Yeah, well, sometimes I'm more prone to kick and scream and act, well, unlovely.

"I believe in You." True then. Even more true today.

"I renounce Satan." Um. Duh.

And the profession goes on. I suppose I believed all of that 22 years ago, but standing here today, I cherish it. Stepping out of that water is when my living out that baptism began. Have I always lived like one completely forgiven and totally free? No. Do I always act like the Christian I professed to be that hot July day? Not hardly. It's okay.

As my hand touched the water last week for another one's baptism - I remembered. I remembered that as one redeemed I am dead to sin. I remembered that true life begins and ends with faith. I remembered that I share in the resurrection power by belonging to Him.

Newness of life available to me if I choose to receive it - 22 years ago, every day since, and this very day.

The Little Red Book of Wisdom - A Book Review

2011-07-13T10:11:00.004-04:00

This book is a jewel on any bookshelf. Marketed equally to personals and professionals, it covers 23 topics in short bite sized chapters. Life and Death, Understatement, Work, Technology, Writing real letters, Honesty, Integrity, Listening and eternity just to name a few. The stories are enjoyable and the examples relevant. It's so easy to read that you'll forget you're gaining wisdom with the turn of every page. It's one I put up on my bookshelf and quickly thought, "I'll be back to that time and again." It would be a great gift for graduation, life changing events and people in need of everyday wisdom. And aren't we all?

*For Thomas Nelson

Why I Gave Up TV

2011-07-12T10:10:00.003-04:00

I have not had a television in my home for over a year now. To be honest, it happened by accident. My house got struck by lightning and barbecued several outlets, the garage door, and the tv in the living room. I meant to get another one, but a day turned into a week and then a month. When I finally got to it on my to-do list I realized I didn't miss it.

Sure, I missed a few shows, a few channels, and the zoned out time tv afforded me. I've never been one to just lay on the couch and watch tv for hours, but it was usually on as background noise. Quite frankly my life was too noisy anyway.

I watched more tv on vacation than I have in months. Here's what I discovered.

-I don't miss the anxiety that the news produces.

-I'm not missing anything by not keeping up with The Housewives of wherever, The Teen moms and whoever else feels the need to have a "reality" show at the moment.

-I'm much more peaceful with Mozart or Bach as background noise.

-I'd still rather read a book

I'm not advocating that everyone take a sledgehammer to their 42 inch flatscreen, but I am saying you may find more peace in your life by turning it off once in awhile. I certainly have.

Yoga and Prayer

2011-07-11T13:50:00.005-04:00

I like motion, especially the forward variety. I remember cross country in high school when the coach made us run backwards to strengthen different muscles. It made me feel off balance, unsure, and I hated it. Parts of starting a consistent yoga practice are making me feel the same way.

Apparently I'm a rock star at "power sequences" per my yoga instructor. I love the warrior poses and variations. I like the sun salutation. And even though it makes me feel like I'm at a zoo sometimes, I love the animal poses - cat, dog, cobra, eagle, camel, fish, turtle and rabbit.

She suggested today that we incorporate more open poses. It didn't surprise me that they were hard flexibility wise, but I wasn't prepared for how brutal they would be emotionally. It was amazing how fast my mind raced to find a reason why I couldn't stay in these poses. Did they hurt? No. Were they hard? Yes, but not too hard. Yikes. What was it?

Somewhere mid pigeon pose I said, "I can't do it."

She calmly (of course) replied, "You are doing it."

Roadblocked!

I said, "Okay. I don't want to."

Wisely she said, "Now that we can work with."

Turns out I'm a control freak (shocking!) and poses that invite vulnerability, letting go, calmness and peace are contrary to the stubbornness of every single cell in my body. In that moment I watched everything I'm trying to work on spiritually line up with that moment on the yoga mat.

She said, "If you want we can take all of these poses out of the sequence."

After I told the "Yippee!" that jumped through my brain to shut it, I said, "No. I'd love to go that route but I'm convinced that running away from hard things isn't the answer to anything."

She said, "I knew you would say that. And you're going to find through yoga and in your relationship with God that holding on securely to the things that matter always involves letting go. In these poses you're not only letting go to breathe deeper into the move, you're letting go. Period."

I transitioned into savasana and prayed, "God, help me to let go of everything but You."

And that's a prayer that's only started to be answered.